Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Sad day.

Alright, if I've learned one thing from Miss Long this semester it's make things interesting, so I may be erring in this post but I really just need to get it out somewhere. I don't need comments or feedback or pity or anything, but I need to write it down. That's what this blog is for, anyway, right? Right. So onward I trudge.

About 4-5 months ago I started having sporadic headaches. The school nurse attributed them to stress and I went about my days as usual. Then, other symptoms appeared and became more frequent and severe. Now, I have a literally constant tension headache that goes from behind my eyes to my neck and the base of my spine. I am always freezing (even in my 73 degree house wrapped up in two fleece blankets), unless of course I am suddenly overheated for no reason. I have constant shooting pains throughout most of my body. They began in the left side of my pelvis, my right shoulder, my shins, and my heart, and are now anywhere and everywhere at any given moment. I basically feel like I have several broken bones at one time, or like someone has wrapped a wire around my limbs and pulled tightly enough to cut off circulation. In addition to that, I have had random painful falling-asleep sensations in my hands and feet that I can't explain. I am constantly fatigued and don't have enough energy to do most things during the day, even after sleeping 15 hours in one night. I feel faint and weak simply standing in the hallway, as though I am going to collapse. I don't have a fever, rather my temperature has been a degree or so below normal. Yesterday, I vomited for no apparent reason, though I hadn't had any food and was simply overexerting myself (walking up the stairs too quickly).

I finally went to the doctor on Monday, which gave me great hope that I'd finally receive a diagnosis and some medication. Unfortunately, the office was quite busy, and as a result my doctor said 'get more sleep, you're probably just overworked' and sent me to the lab for blood tests. This alone was quite frustrating because I get rather decent amounts of sleep and I don't think that could account for pain and discomfort and illness of this magnitude. So I waited, and waited, and finally today I got home to horrible news: according to the blood tests I am perfectly fine.

Now, to many of you, that is cause for rejoicing and quite a relief. And yes, to a certain extent, I'm glad that it's not as bad as it could have been. But I don't think anyone understands how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to be in constant pain and be supposedly completely fine. My fourteen-year-old brother said 'It sounds like you want it to be serious,' and you know what? I'd rather have something serious than have nothing at all. I know I should be thankful for my theoretical health, but it is so hard to have white-hot pain searing through my joints and a headache that could make my head split, knowing that there's nothing I can do about it. I wish, for once, I could have an answer. But no. When my teachers ask why I look like a ghost and why I can't focus in class, and my friends ask why I can't go visit Steubie and why I'm not my normal danc-y sing-y self, and when people ask why I can't stand through an entire Mass and why I'm always holding my wrists, I CAN'T ANSWER THEM.

It breaks my heart, it really does. I'm not a hypochondriac, I'm not faking it, and I don't think virii last 4 months and give you these kind of symptoms. I just wish I knew what it was. I wish anyone knew what it was. I wish I could do something about it. Jesus, help me, please.


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