Saturday, June 04, 2005

And She Doesn't Even Bother To Think of a Witty Title

I almost started crying yesterday and I'm crying right now.
I hate this, I hate everything about it.
I hate the fact that I'm turning into someone I don't want to be.
I hate the fact that I'm already someone that nobody should want to be around.
I hate how they make me feel like I'm one big lie.
I hate the fact that I can't do anything about it.
I hate the vicious cycle that occurs when I want to talk to someone, but I don't want them to see me cry. As if seeing me upset will reveal just how flawed I really am.
I hate the truth in Skippy's words, the fact that I'm so un-Christlike.
I hate disappointing people.
I hate being disappointed.
I almost hate myself.

I wish I could talk about it, but I know that if I try to explain it, it sounds like a boring sob story.
I wish I could understand what's wrong with me.
I wish they would stop talking to me.
I wish they would stop laughing at me.
I wish they would stop telling me all the reasons that I'm so horrible.
I wish I wasn't so horrible.
I wish I knew how I'm supposed be.
I wish I could be what they want, super organized and quiet and calm.
I wish people would understand.
I wish I had the courage and the eloquence to ask all the questions in my head.
I wish I could write without feeling like a pity case.
I wish I could leave.
I wish I could live somewhere else.
I wish they would stop telling me to live somewhere else.
I wish everything would just go away.
I wish I could jump ahead 3 or 4 years.
I wish I didn't have to leave tomorrow.

And even though I'm terrible and don't deserve God's grace (though none of us really do), I suppose I'll end in a prayer:

When you´re dull from all that glitters,
when your thoughts have a hollow ring,
when you can´t escape from the feeling
are getting it wrong...

All your foolproof plans seem foolish,
all your status is status quo,
all your really need to know
is where you belong.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in his wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow
strangely dim in the light
of his glory and grace.

I was used to the cold for so long
that I couldn´t feel anything.
And I shivered and stared like a beggar
who won´t lift his hands.
I was numb until he touched me.
I was deaf until he heard.
I was senseless ´til I met the one
who understands.

I definitely need Adoration and confession, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be allowed to go. Which means I'm not sure if I'll be able to say goodbye to anyone. Which isn't good. I'm feeling a little less extreme now that I've prayed and listened to music, but I hope and pray that this night gets better. I'd hate to leave on a note like this. In any case, I'm sorry for everything, congrats grads of 2005, and I hope everyone has a blessed day.


At June 04, 2005 11:02 PM, Blogger Nathaniel said...

Hey Erin!

From the time I've had to know you, you've been a really great person and I think you're overreacting!

Seriously, you have more morals and goodwill in you than 99.999% of people on this Earth. Of course, you're only human and everyone makes mistakes, but don't let yourself dwell on those mistakes!

You're a lot of fun to be around and I like you the way you are. Have fun in China!

At June 04, 2005 11:24 PM, Blogger Erin said...

Haha thank you Nat, soon after writing that, as per usual, I prayed and figured most of it out. God bless!



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