Sunday, May 22, 2005

How It Feels To Be Awake

Well, this has been quite a week, quite a week indeed. The days are passing quickly, that's for sure. Yesterday was the prerelease in Illnois, which turned out to be exactly what I expected. I had a blast, met a ton of people, and learned a lot... definitely a good way to spend my Saturday! And driving there and back was just as fun... especially attempting to buy dinner at a rather interesting Popeye's and then sit through a gridlock in Chicago. I don't know if I've ever laughed that hard in my entire life. Okay, I probably have, but regardless, it was extremely fun.

The city was all lit up on the way back, and it was gorgeous. Absolutely took my breath away. That's one place that I don't mind seeing the clutter of man's industrial insanity. As we went around the metro area, the cityscape reminded me of when I was four and five... Whenever my mom would be driving at night, even if we were only in downtown South Bend or on McKinley, I'd always be dazzled by the bright lights and I'd press my face to the window saying, 'Mom, look! We're in the big city!' So I guess I've loved things like that ever since I was a little girl. Of course, I realized something a few days ago that might explain it.

I don't want to live in South Bend my whole life. Or even in Indiana. I think after I graduate college, get a job, and get married, one of the first things I want to do is move. I don't know how else to explain it, so I'll just copy what I wrote in an AIM convo and in my journal. Hopefully it makes sense.

"I don't want my world to be confined to the space of a hundred miles. I don't want my memories to be confined to thoughts of a hundred people. I don't want my life to be confined to years of repeated moments. Just think about how many people will never have their name in a book, never have their face on television, never be recognized for anything, never do much of anything. They'll drive down the same streets, do the same things, know the same people and never expand to open up to other places and people and experiences. And that's sad. And then in 50 years or so, they're gone without a trace, save for a birth certificate, a gravestone, and some pictures that will get lost or thrown away when the grandchildren pack up to move. And I don't think I really want to be like that. I think I would certainly live here for awhile, but I don't think I could bear to be just another person in the population count."

That's why I'm so enticed by Chicago, because it gives me a sense of success, a sense of value. As if everything in Chicago is bright and bold and beautiful and new and more than any other place could be. It makes me feel alive, to put it quite simply, because all the movement and lights and people are so diverse and yet so complementary. But it is, to a certain extent, a facade, and subconsciouly I think I realize this. I believe that's why I enjoy the tranquility and simplicity of the country as well. That's why I love Ireland and England. And castles. And rain.

Well, enough of my senseless rambling. Just needed to sort out my thoughts. Have a great day everyone!


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