Saturated Saturday

It is a thing to laugh at when I see
love's prospect drowning us in memory
each hour we pine, and recollect the days
of glimmering coves and hidden ivy ways

Our souls grow older, yet they dance around
and flickers between eyes sing without sound
Oh love! That steals all color and all hue
It gives them all a thousand times to you

Each room is dimmer now than was before
unless your essence luminates its core
A voice once eager now delights in calm
selecting words to fit dear Passion's psalm

So still we wander, backwards to them all
away from earth's reprised chameleon call
into the hallowed caverns, clear and chilled
of moments knowing moment's hope fulfilled

The Love Song of F. Alfred Prufrock

Today I obtained a copy of the Selected Poems of T. S. Eliot, and I am absolutely astounded at the brilliance of his work. It makes me want to hop on the South Shore and go to Chicago at this very moment so I can go sit in that park off of Michigan Avenue and read poetry while the last drops of daylight drip down the mural wall like delectibly warm paint. One of my fondest memories that I should update soon. I must gather some Chicago-loving friends and take a trip.

I will place my hand in his
across the wasted threads of rhyme
and bound about the corners
ever splintered and sublime
we shall sit upon the crest
of an ocean green and flowing
And wonder at our brilliant way
of loving without knowing
When ink no longer holds the thoughts
pressed tight into the pages
The memory of moment's grasp
turns simpletons to sages
And this shall be our paradigm:To live like we are out of time.

It won't be the first heart that you break, it won't be the last beautiful girl...

Such a good song, Matchbox Twenty rocks.

Wellllll, pictures will be coming... later. I'm too busy right now to put them up. Between finishing all my end-of-term projects and totally turning my social world upside-down by accident, I have absolutely no time for pictures. However, I have had time for other things... like reading the Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons.

Yeah, Chartier and Tricker and I were talking about the Code last weekend and they convinced me to read it before seeing the movie. It was flipping amazing. I checked it out Sunday night from the library and read from 2am-6am, therefore not sleeping a single minute. But it was completely worth it. Mr. Brown is a very talented writer and the Da Vinci Code is by far my single favorite book in the world. Angels and Demons was excellent as well, but a little too modernized for my liking. The DaVinci Code was more historical even if it was a supposed attack on the Church. It's a brilliant novel.

I actually guessed almost every important part of the Code like a page before it happened, which was extremely entertaining. I also (accidentally) guessed the ending of the book because I forgot to read the epilogue and I was talking to Chartier about it and it turned out the ending was pretty much exactly like what I thought it would be. Awesome. So now I must see the movie! Yay!

I have realized that speaking is an art, and I usually utterly destroy this art by talking excessively and about extremely boring topics (both on my blog and in conversation). Note to self: be interesting or shut up. Good philosophy.

Hmmmm... what else? 1 more day of school + finals. Amen, alleluia.

Oh yeah, and I wrote something, for the first time in a good month I think.

I'm captivated and it's new
like nothing that I've seen before
the notes fade like the passing dew
yet we remain on ballroom floor

There's logic in our brilliant dance
strategic steps placed just in time
We cannot stop the flow of chance
nor crush the rhythm, meter, rhyme

O happy charm, O dazzled eyes
today the starcrossed folly dies

Prom. Prompromprom.

Best formal dance everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Ever.

Took an hour and a half to get all of my hair curled and pinned. Adam walked in right in the middle of it, which was highly amusing and completely random.

Jacob Staley rocks my world.

Gretchen's Revenge=awesome.

Guitarist for Gretchen's Revenge= :).

Bowling with Frashishy= entertaining.

Looking like a princess/faerie/ballerina for a night=priceless.

Yeah, that made absolutely no sense. At all. I'll post some pictures later. Adieu.

I've never received training in jet-skiing.... I think I might take it up!

Well, I suppose I should offer some form of an update, being that there is much to be said. However, I'm tired and I need to quit procrastinating. So I'll just Copy and Paste from my other blog and add to it.

"This weekend, I went to the last FOP of the Steubie school year. It was amaaaazing. When I was told by my friend Justin that it was an open invitation and that we just had to figure out transportation, things weren't looking to good for me. I don't drive and the only one of my friends whose car could handle the 14 or so hours on the road was picking up his girlfriend on the other side of town and wouldn't be able to backtrack to take more people. So I just prayed that whoever needed to go would be able to go, and a miracle totally happened. My friend Aaron's girlfriend decided to go with her mom and meet us there, so Aaron, Justin (Aaron's brother and one of my good friends), and I went together. This, without any further explanation, is the most uncanny group ever assembled. Really. It was absolutely ridiculously awesome. And we went to the Port for over an hour right before Mass. And I was in massive amounts of pain but it didn't matter at all because I was there with the 3 friends who I love most, praising the God that I love more than anything. "

This weekend is prom. Yay. Still haven't gotten shoes, garter, flower dealie, etc. Fun stuff.

I pidgeon-holed God today and told Him that if He could just get me through the year without failing anything, I would do the whole nun-thing if that's what He wanted.

Oh yeah, by the way, I might not go to Steubie or St. Francis or Loyola. I might go to Aquinas College in Nashville... because I'm discerning going into the Dominican Sisters of Nashville after I graduate. Long way off obviously, but I just thought I'd mention it.

I think I've laughed more today than I've ever laughed in my life (with the exception of sitting in the parking lot of the Super 8 Motel at Steubie with Elena, Aaron, and Justin.) while watching Comedy Central with some friends. If you haven't heard of Lewis Black, holy crap, find him. My face still hurts. I love it.

Soooo, yeah. Back to paper. Woohoo.

Wanderlust and St. Cecilia

Click it.


For the first time in my life, my heart is free of and unconcerned with human affection, and it is a truly wonderful feeling.

And the Antioch Retreat rocked.

Life is good.

I really want to be a photojournalist... amongst a million other things.

THE BLOGS ARE DEAD.

Dead, I tell you. Dead as a very very dead thing. I would say a doornail, but I don't really know what a doornail is. However, I'm pretty sure it was never alive to begin with, so it can't be very dead. So... dead as a piece of roadkill left on the road for 8 days. Yes, eight. Not seven, not nine, eight. Or dead as a 10-point man in the middle of mishawaka and ironwood covered in a fur coat waiting to be dragged away after a 15-point confession. HA.

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know...

...for when I pray to St. Anthony begging for help in finding my Rosary and am on the verge of giving up all hope, it turns up in the most random of places and is completely unharmed by cars, torrential rains, and small animals... so.

Yep, Jesus is pretty flipping awesome!

Michael's birthday= April 16. (What do you want, by the way?)
My birthday= May 9.
Prom= May 14.
Jacob Staley= Prom date.
Our theme= Mafia. Black and white. Pinstripe. Fedora. So cool.

Hm, what else? Oh yeah, I am the creator of the Hopelessly Stupid (But Really Fun) Scavenger Hunt and I love people. That is all.

Adieu.

I wasted 8 minutes thinking of a title and all I could come up with was this.

Well well well, back to the trusty old Blogger. I really don't have much to say except life is sweet, text messaging is taking over my life, and I am absolutely frisbee retarded. Considering I finally learned how to properly throw one about a year ago, it's not surprising. But Matt and Marcus, have seen to it that my ever-growing list of experiences does not remain as small as it is now. So they kidnapped me after daily Mass and we all went out to Rum Village and played Frisbee Golf (???) for like an hour. I would just like to point out that it is much harder than it looks and insanely more difficult than it sounds. I got flying-tackled by Marcus in Korean Freeze Tag the night before, so running up and down those hills was not exactly a wise thing. Needless to say, I slept till 1 this afternoon. I really should do something about this constantly-being-ill thing. *shrugs*

Still haven't found the Rosary. Contemplating throwing myself off a bridge.

Kidding.

My, I am in an odd mood. I was talking to Aaron the other night about human nature, and it was funny because I realized that when the 20 of us were playing tag, it was how man is supposed to live. Running around in a muddy park, feet bare, not concerned about time or money or any of the things of this world. As cheesy as it sounds, it was liberating.

TODAY IS THE DAY! I almost forgot to mention what today is............. Narnia! Aaron's wonderfully amazingly brilliant mom found out that the movie was coming out today, preordered a copy, and is going to pick it up this morning! Then she had the single coolest idea ever- a bunch of us are going to go to daily Mass, then back to Aaron's house to say a Rosary for the intention that all who watch the Chronicles might have instilled in them a deeper desire for Heaven. Then, we're going to watch the movie- complete with several varieties of tea (he and I are tea crazy), an abundance of crumpets, and some sardines! I'm totally dressing for the occassion. Yes, we're out of our minds. It's okay.

Anyway, I suppose this rambling post has gone on long enough, so I'll end with a fragment of the song I'm writing...

My soul magnifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in Him
for He has seen His smallest of servants
and has given me favor in His eyes

I am the handmaid of the Lord
and everything you say
will be done for His glory
Every breath of me sings His praise
for all of time- Magnificat

All ages will call me blessed
For the God who is mighty has done great things for me
His mercy is on those who fear Him;
the hungry will eat and the blind will see

I am the handmaid of the Lord
and everything you say
will be done for His glory
Every breath of me sings His praise
for all of time- Magnificat

Yes, it's basically the Magnificat, but the actual music is what makes it fun. I wish I had a recording studio, LOL. Anyway, God bless y'all! A.M.D.G

nirE (somehow, it just doesn't work...)
Erin

Is it dead yet?

Boondock Saints... oh man. I'm in love.

Anyway, about this whole 'life' thing...

My friend Carl just showed me a book that he illustrated. It's called Inherit the Land- Jim Crow Meets Miss Maggie's Will and it's a history nonfiction that looks incredibly intriguing. Carl is one lucky guy. He's already done many things I wish to do in my life. Granted, he is 10 years older than me, but still... He lives in Chicago, he's a freelance artist, and has his name on the cover of a book, to name a few things (not to mention he's from an incredibly cool Italian family and is the brother of one of my equally cool Trinity friends).

Speaking of Chicago, I should be there right now. But I'm not! Sad day.

Amble down the avenue
without a roadmap or a care
the shutter flies as fast as lives
will criss-cross here and there
under, over, everywhere
compelled to stop and stare
At color, bright and brilliant hue
Can't think to give a name
but something calls as twilight falls
-No two corners are the same.

Today was beautiful. It was wonderful to get out of the house and be outside and active (a bit). I wasn't in as much pain as usual by the end of school, so a bunch of us went to this bargain store and bought airsoft guns and then headed over to Salvation Army and I got a dress for $30 that I am TOTALLY wearing to prom. Oye, it's going to be a blast!

I think the air was good for me, but I'll find out tomorrow. Usually it takes about 12 hours for the exhaustion and pain to catch up with me.

Oh yeah, and the 4 failing classes, as it turns out, are going to be supereasy to fix. Woohoo.

I'm tired and I hurt.

And I smell like hawaiian ginger. Yum.

In other news, Satan is a tricky fellow.

And since nobody reads my blog anymore...

Look at all those people
they've got somewhere to go
sit back and taste your tears 'cause you can't let it show
I saw you speaking to the moon
praying for some magic word
but the engine's ticking heartbeat
was the only thing you heard
But don't shed a tear
I will come when the lights go down
I can feel you there, a million miles away
and I say

It will all fall away
it will all fall away
when horizons turn to shades of yesterday

Hello there, stranger
Can you teach me something new?
I'm smelling spring, seeing eternity, and thinking of you
Shampoo bottle's got news for me
an everyday cleansing is what I need
but when I look to the atmosphere I feel I could...
suffocate

but it will all fall away
it will all fall away
and horizons will turn to shades of yesterday

Somehow this simple hope is more than emotion
it's who I am, who I've become
shining like the sea
it's a drop in the ocean

But it will all fall away
it will all fall away
when horizons turn to shades of yesterday
Here, it all falls away
yeah it all falls away
and I thank the Lord for all those yesterdays

It is a song. I happen to like it a lot, it turned out well. It is, however, titleless, so any ideas are welcome. Oh wait, nobody reads this. Right.

So, thus far I'm somehow failing math, history, Junior Comp (because we have a whopping two grades in the gradebook) and HTML. I just can't focus in class and I have no energy to do homework because I am literally always sick. This weekend I actually went out with friends and babysat for Chip & Virginia for 7 hours. And I am still failing. And the quarter ends on Friday. Neither of which were the wisest of decisions. You want to know something even grander? I don't really care. Maybe I'll drop out and become a nun. Oh, how I would love that. So, so much. I'd have to drop out after prom though... hmmm... No. Actually, I'm considering homeschooling. Not very seriously, but it's a possibility if things go on as they are.

Aaron is going to be in Medugorje from Tuesday to Wednesday the 22nd. He also is most likely leaving for Intercessors of the Lamb on April 7th. Please pray for him, his safety, and his discernment!

All I have to say on this beautiful, glorious day.

Strangely out of place, and there's a light 
filling this room where none would follow before.
I can't deny it burns me up inside.
I fan the flames to melt away my pride.
Do I want shelter from the rain 
or the rain to wash me away?

I need you, I need you, I need you.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.

I might sound like a fool, but I think 
I felt you moving closer to me.
Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut.
I fight the weight, I feel you lift me up.
You are the shelter from the rain 
and the rain to wash me away.

-Jars of Clay

My soul is on fire with a radiant, passionate love. Finally.

I have the echocardiogram tomorrow. I'm afraid that something is wrong with my heart, but I'm almost more afraid that nothing is wrong with it. My family thinks my sickness is an act to account for not doing schoolwork or something.

I don't know what's worse, being in so much pain, or knowing that the people closest to me don't believe it exists.

Learn to walk on your hands!

...Then you can use your legs for important stuff, like giving high-fives, eating sandwiches...

So, I just thought I'd update on my 'condition' (Ick, I don't like that word! Makes me sound like a cancer patient or something. Hmph!). The doctor called me back yesterday and said he thought there might be a problem with my heart which could be causing my illness. Thus, I need to have an echocardiogram and several other tests done very soon. This was much-appreciated but highly nervewracking news, as I've seen what heart conditions have done to several members of my family. I also got the blood test results back today. I am normal in almost all levels (there were 30 or so results). However, I am fairly low in lymphocytes (which explains the leukemia symptoms) and some other things. No big deal. However, the possibility of a heart problem is becoming more and more likely.

Last night I was sitting at my computer and I suddenly had a tightening in my chest, just below my rib cage. It felt as though someone had tied a rope around me and it was extremely painful. I thought my lungs were going to collapse or burst, and it really scared me. The whole ordeal only lasted about 5 minutes, but it seemed a lot longer because I had no idea what was going on as the sensation was completely foreign to me. Today, I had to call my grandpa from school to ask him to bring me Tylenol 3, because the shooting pain through my entire left side (lower arm, hand, leg) and the painful tingling had returned and I didn't think acetominophen would cover it. The symptoms remain on both sides of my body, but today they were especially prevalent on the left side.

Please pray that whatever is wrong with me does not grow worse and that the tests go well. I appreciate it.

Erin

Sad day.

Alright, if I've learned one thing from Miss Long this semester it's make things interesting, so I may be erring in this post but I really just need to get it out somewhere. I don't need comments or feedback or pity or anything, but I need to write it down. That's what this blog is for, anyway, right? Right. So onward I trudge.

About 4-5 months ago I started having sporadic headaches. The school nurse attributed them to stress and I went about my days as usual. Then, other symptoms appeared and became more frequent and severe. Now, I have a literally constant tension headache that goes from behind my eyes to my neck and the base of my spine. I am always freezing (even in my 73 degree house wrapped up in two fleece blankets), unless of course I am suddenly overheated for no reason. I have constant shooting pains throughout most of my body. They began in the left side of my pelvis, my right shoulder, my shins, and my heart, and are now anywhere and everywhere at any given moment. I basically feel like I have several broken bones at one time, or like someone has wrapped a wire around my limbs and pulled tightly enough to cut off circulation. In addition to that, I have had random painful falling-asleep sensations in my hands and feet that I can't explain. I am constantly fatigued and don't have enough energy to do most things during the day, even after sleeping 15 hours in one night. I feel faint and weak simply standing in the hallway, as though I am going to collapse. I don't have a fever, rather my temperature has been a degree or so below normal. Yesterday, I vomited for no apparent reason, though I hadn't had any food and was simply overexerting myself (walking up the stairs too quickly).

I finally went to the doctor on Monday, which gave me great hope that I'd finally receive a diagnosis and some medication. Unfortunately, the office was quite busy, and as a result my doctor said 'get more sleep, you're probably just overworked' and sent me to the lab for blood tests. This alone was quite frustrating because I get rather decent amounts of sleep and I don't think that could account for pain and discomfort and illness of this magnitude. So I waited, and waited, and finally today I got home to horrible news: according to the blood tests I am perfectly fine.

Now, to many of you, that is cause for rejoicing and quite a relief. And yes, to a certain extent, I'm glad that it's not as bad as it could have been. But I don't think anyone understands how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to be in constant pain and be supposedly completely fine. My fourteen-year-old brother said 'It sounds like you want it to be serious,' and you know what? I'd rather have something serious than have nothing at all. I know I should be thankful for my theoretical health, but it is so hard to have white-hot pain searing through my joints and a headache that could make my head split, knowing that there's nothing I can do about it. I wish, for once, I could have an answer. But no. When my teachers ask why I look like a ghost and why I can't focus in class, and my friends ask why I can't go visit Steubie and why I'm not my normal danc-y sing-y self, and when people ask why I can't stand through an entire Mass and why I'm always holding my wrists, I CAN'T ANSWER THEM.

It breaks my heart, it really does. I'm not a hypochondriac, I'm not faking it, and I don't think virii last 4 months and give you these kind of symptoms. I just wish I knew what it was. I wish anyone knew what it was. I wish I could do something about it. Jesus, help me, please.

Just A Bout of Silliness, Really...

Is it such a folly to want my innocence back? I know I went on about this quite awhile ago, but again the desire penetrates my heart with a surging importance. It seems that in this world, children grow up depraved of childhood, starved of the only thing they should be fed. Michael touched on this in his remarkably eloquent blog post, sharing a waxing poetic perspective of that which has haunted man for generations. The brilliant novelty of a dream or the spark of imagination has been struck down by the bane of reality. "Now," Michael remarks, "we have chemical reactions and particle waves and so many different ways to say 'I don't believe.'" Our parents taught us to be sensible, so we stopped believing in the abstract. It is a phenomenon that I can hardly stand to think of, yet myself bear witness to every day of my life.

As a child, I was forced by mere circumstance to bring my head down out of the clouds, to face the grotesque image of society and its terrors. But now I see why there is so much truth to the fact that the magic is always in the beginning and the end; An innocent heaven is found in the clouds, and we should keep every shred of it that we can. Bliss -not carnal pleasure or the thrill of wealth- lies amidst the vapors of innocence. It does not come in a mass-produced plastic case with an apple printed neatly on the side; it is not found for sale with bids starting at $125. It is thin and untraceable save for the fact that it brings incredible freedom, and it can only be found in those clouds so far up high- where all sensible earthly oxygen is abandoned and the face of gravity has long been faded. It is now that I realize the terrible fall that man makes when he tumbles from the peak of childhood, and must begin again from a trench. It is also why I will teach my children to make the beginning last forever and the end worthwhile.

Opium, Werewolf, and Too Many Fishsticks.

Ta da, new layout for the blog I rarely update anymore. Whee. Photoshop and CSS are beautiful things. Anyway, I'm off to do something highly entertaining. Right-o.

Those are pearls, right?

Fly Me To The Moon...

Today keeps getting better and better.
And better.
And better.
And better.

I went to Panera with the grande-parentals, and ate one of those breadbowls filled with soup. It was yummy. Way yummy.

I then proceeded to the new Petsmart, where I found out Jaques and Caitlin both work. Small world, no doubt! So I talked to Caitlin and it turns out that the hours there are PERFECT so I might be able to start work during school instead of waiting till the summer. YAY.

Then, a miracle happened...

I DROVE TODAY! Yes, that's right. I, Erin Hall, Princess of Born-Under-A-Rock-Ville, drove a car. In a cemetery. For almost an hour. It was amazing. I didn't run over any tombstones, or even get close. I did it! I did it! *dances with joy*

THEN pretty much the coolest thing ever happened, I came home and was talking on the phone with my mom and almost hung up on her because I saw that Giacomo had IM'd me while I was gone. Fabbyfabfabulous and a half! I thought he was an incredibly cool guy and all, but I never thought we'd actually ever talk again.

THEN I found out that we'll get to see each other again this February (along with many other cool Italiano and American peeps) in Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, it'll be uber expensive to do so, but such is life!

THEN I ran out of things to be excited about. So I ate a Twizzler. That is all.

With all the clocks counting down to love....

I've been missing things lately- times, faces, seasons...

I can't explain the nostalgia, but it haunts me at night, and I don't like it at all. I miss my childhood, the way my mom was before she got sick, my freshman year, my first kiss, my sophomore year, my many other 'firsts'...

... blah, too much icky-ness. Poems. The first one I wrote tonight, the second a month or two ago, and the third a few days ago.

Corridor

The shattered panes
touch scattered pains
and I
cannot forever lie
amidst this tearing, heaving sigh
Just waiting to inhale
all the world around
is stale
And I am left
the same as always
closing doors
in hopeful hallways
I crumple
and cry at the walls as I roam-
Can I please, at last, come home?

D.O.A.
Times grow bleak
and weaker with
the words we tend to
pass off as old.
It is I
who is the fool, now
with every glance.
I take a hidden breath,
wary that you may
mistake me for
alive.


Travellers
We embraced with a melody
loud, original
As we were wandering
away from home

We parted with a hesitancy
quick, hopeful
as we were struggling
against the flow

Somber, we are -ultimately-
nothing at all
Enthralled, we are -forever-
'uno,
lo stesso'


Feel free to critique...

Perceiving An Unreal Reality

Why is reality so very glum? No matter where we turn in today's society, it seems as though we are trapped in a black-and-white version of something that should be technicolor. The hassle known as daily life is full of disheartening stories and dull routines that leave us pining for the care-free days of our youth. As we grow older, we reach a point where childhood feels an inch away, and we revert back to an infantile peace. When we allow ourselves to perceive magic in the world, we are free to dream, hope, wish, and believe in reality as it is intended to be.

I am a child of seven years old, thriving upon the possibilities of a fascinating world. My expectations are great because my explorations are so very small, and I delight in expanding my horizons footstep by tiny footstep. I see playgrounds as kingdoms to be conquered, family dogs as noble steeds yet to be trained. And when the grown-ups tell me to come inside, my adventure is not abandoned at the threshold because to me there is no difference between that which is hoped for and that which is real. Life is a realm of intruiging enchantment when you are a child like me.

No longer in a juvenile state, I have been disillusioned by the twenty-five years I have lived. I recognized the folly of my puerile thoughts long ago, and have since been enlightened by the wisdom of maturity. I live in a new world now, a world of war, politics, scientific method, and tax deductibles. Surely, this is the reality that the grown-ups of my childhood knew. It is much more sensible, logical, provable; yet nostalgia taunts me with recollections of 'the good old days.' Life is a paradox, a complex equation, when you are an adult like me.

Twenty-five seems so far off, now that I have aged to sixty and seen magic first-hand. I laugh when I recall just how wise I thought I was, sealed off in my sterile bubble of modern scepticism. Now, I wish I'd kept those child-like eyes. Magic, just as I had suspected, is manifest in everything. I see it in my granddaughter's smile, in the changing of seasons that sing of my end, and between the pages of my journals. The grown-ups are gone, but they learned a lesson just as I did. Life is a quick moment of magic, when you are an old woman like me.

It is only in the beginning and the end that we understand reality, when we allow ourselves to dream, hope, wish, and believe in its magic. We cannot grow older or younger on a whim, but we can keep in our hearts the knowledge that the world is not what it seems. We may be discouraged and bored by what surrounds us, but perhaps there is a reason. The more we seek sensible answers to fill in black-and-white blanks, the less of this colorful world we will be able to understand. For reality is far from the dispirited haze it is believed to be.

We Like To Move It Move It...

I believe last night was the possibly the best formal dance ever! Except it wasn't at Palais. And I went stag. But I had an amazing time and didn't have to worry about any romantic rubbish that always seems to surface around this time. Yay! I'm still debating on whether or not semiformal was as much fun as the 24 hours following it, because MCQ, Emmy, Claire, Buns, and Kyle just totally rock my face off! I believe Windingbrook is my new home... or I certainly wish it was! We are so odd, I love them. Anyway, although I'm sure none of you are particularly interested, I'll be putting the pictures I took online sometime soon. I'll probably also make a long and meaningful post. I can feel it coming! Until then:

Jacob Staley et moi. Shhhh... Don't tell him, but I'm definitely asking him to prom.

The feet, the feet!! (I still don't like 'em)

Yes, I look like a freaking glamgirl. I am not. I just happened to steal some very spiffy glasses. I think I look like a blind person. Hm. I also think Meryl's face is the absolute BEST part of the picture!

Mary always rocks the camera!!


Yeah. Tres happy.

Kyle, Claire, and the best darn Frenchie on the planet, Emmy

What a lovely weekend!

I'll Be Seeing You

Hm, tonight was fun. I could have done a few things but I opted to stay home and read and write a song and watch sappy movies. It was fun! However, I made a drastic mistake by choosing to give 'the Notebook' another shot. The first time I watched it I was a lot different than I am now, so my reaction then was worlds away from what it was tonight. It's a pity, though, that lessons are often learned after they would be most applicable. I wish I'd (re)watched it sooner, perhaps I would have done so many things differently. How beautiful.

Aquafinaaaaaaa.

Goodness, only 3 days left. Even the people in my dreams know of the impending terror. This can't be good. Oh, how I can't wait for college... *sigh*

Why do I post on here? Bonus points and a cookie for anyone who can come up with a decent answer.

Well, it's off to drink green tea and watch sappy movies (a good antidote to the freakishly scary King Kong). Have a lovely day, and please, don't pet the lemur!

I just got home. I'm bored. I turned an Eggo into a brick tonight.

Haha yes, I know I'm different from most girls and no, I don't feel the need to make that known. I just found this really amusing, especially since I know a lot of these are completely not stereotypes of girls.... at all!

Girl stereotypes
50 Stereotypes about girls....
x the ones that apply to you.

[] 1. we dig axe
[x] 2. we're as afraid of you as you are of us
[x] 3. we try to impress you most of the time
[x] 4. we flirt alot if we like you
[x] 5. we flirt alot. period.
[ ] 6. the one thing we like more than you, are shoes
[ ] 7. we dont understand "guy talk"
[x] 8. we LOVE hugs
[.5x] 9. we hate it when you're ignorant
[.5x] 10. we're not that girly, at all
[ ] 11. we hate hardcore action movies (what?)
[ ] 12. we giggle 24/7
[x] 13. we are scared of almost anything
[xxxx] 14. we dont always like the "tall dark and handsome" guy
[ ] 15. AIM/MSN IM is our life (not lately!)
[ ] 16. you see our myspace layout? its our 865412875th one
[definitely not!]17. we ALWAYS think were fat, ALWAYS
[x] 18. our personalities change in highschool
[??? ]19. we have celebrity "boyfriends"
[???]. we're scared of clowns
[xxxxx]1. and we're scared of the dark
[ ] 22. and were scared of spiders
[xxxx, unless I'm watching it with someone to latch onto!]23. we HATE horror movies
[xxxx] 24. we're not sluts
[x] 25. we take things alot more serious than it seems
[xxxx] 26. we run around our house in t-shirts and oversized sweatpants
[Haha sleepovers? All the way? you must be joking... ] 27. during sleep overs, we talk about the guys we'd go all the way with
[] 28. we arent very athletic
[x] 29. we trust you more than our girl friends (depending on who you are)
[ ] 30. we are conceited, we just dont like to admit it
[EW. That's like wearing cake. On your face. ] 31. we cover ourselves in foundation
[???] 32. no matter how nice we are, we ARE bitches
[far from it] 33. we love being scared
[xxxxxx] 34. cuddling is our specialty
[] 35. we LOVE cars
[ ] 36. we hate alot of people
[ ] 37. we cat fight
[ ] 38. we scream when were mad
[ ] 39. we squeal when we break a nail
[ ] 40. we BREAK things down when we're mad
[???]41. we love to talk about our boobs
[ sometimes!] 42. the food in expensive resturaunts always taste better
[I think the last time I had a bubble bath I was about 7] 43. bubble baths sooth us
[xxxx] 44. when we dont know what to say on the phone, we sigh
[x ] 45. we are serious people...most of the time
[? It's attached, yes] 46. our hair is part of who we are
[xxxx] 47. we can eat a lot
[ ] 48. we hate cartoons
[ ] 49. our cell phones are our best friend
[] 50. we love the color pink...

My cell phone got stolen and I might need surgery on my jaw. That bites!

In other news, life is peachy. Peachy like the good tree peaches, though. None of that out-of-the-can crap.

G'night all.

Pretty Boy and Guilt Trips.

*blows off thick layer of dust* Wow, this blog sure went downhill fast. Was it ever on top of the hill to begin with? I'm pretty sure the answer is no. Hm. Does anyone read this anymore? Didn't think so. Skippy comments because I tell him to. Seriously, he is my comment slave. So onward we go.

Life is an extremely funny thing. Really, it is. Right now I have a sliced lip, the most miserably sore legs in the world, a baffled brain and the most disgusting looking hair you've ever seen, but I'm inexplicably happy. It makes NO SENSE. I think I'm probably the craziest person in the world simply because I know I should be meh or tired or upset or contemplative or something, but as much as I tell myself to feel that way, something isn't letting me. It's odd.

Today was neat, my cell phone rang at about 10:45 in the morning, so I woke up to talk to my friend Eddie for like 10 minutes (totally wishing I was still asleep after not coming home till 4) and went back to bed. Well, I thought I was going back to bed. At like 11 o'clock, my doorbells rings. Four times. I thought it was my brother's little dinky friends, but I opened my bedroom door and my old childhood friend, Ryan Onax, was standing there pulling my brother out of his bed. 'Twas much fun and cuteness. We played a bit of poker and then played 4 games of tackle football in this horridly frigid weather. It was my brother, John, Ryan, Anthony (one of the dinky friends), Jared Thomas, and moi, and it was so awesome. I haven't gotten that beat up and dirty in SO LONG! I scored the winning touchdown in the last game, I was very.... hm.... like this! ^_^. Yes, very much so.

Anyway, I'm tired as fudge and confused and desperately in need of sleep and Adoration! So what else is new? Adieu.

Alas, the blog is still at the bottom of the hill. In fact, I believe it's in a gaping chasm. Oh goodness.

I'm pretty sure God didn't want me to sleep this morning. Pretty sure.

Katy stands at the top of the stairs
As she’s leaving her father stares
What has she come to? Another boy she runs to tonight
Powerless he just shakes his head
Disappointed and off to bed
But he won’t be sleeping cause the hours she’s keeping are not right

She’s asking a question, how will I be
after this next one eventually leaves me?
How can a man be all that they say when all that I know
Is men run away?
I think I lose just a little bit of me in every man that I see

Danny’s been out now for 7 days
Funny how he thought the price had been paid on a past he hates to talk about
It’s everything wrong about him
He goes back home to a battle field and starts to drink as some kind of a shield
For the anger instilled in him and their looks are killing him now

He’s asking a question
How will I be when It comes down to the end and memories still haunt me
How can He have forgiveness that flows when no one forgives me
yet it’s Jesus they know?
I think I lose just a little bit of me in this family that won’t see

A crowd of confusion gathers round watching the light as he slowly goes out
After all they’ve talked about everything’s coming out now
Their anger turns to dead and gone
Hearts start to feel what feels so wrong
and as the time starts passing by and hours turn to days
in their heads they can still hear Him say

I came for your questions of what you don’t know
But you can’t see the answers unless I go
So give Me your hatred and give your diseased
Give Me your tired and I’ll take them with Me
Cause I’m hanging here losing every part of Me
Just to open your eyes to what you would never see
And to answer your questions there’s no place that I’d rather be

If my life has ever been encapsulated by a song, this would be it... wow. Goodness gracious, I love Jon Mclaughlin!

Sooo... I'm pretty sure I have a rare delusional disease in which every day seems better than the last. So every day you see me, you see me on the best day of my life. Like, the opposite of OfficeSpace. Oh yes, Apples to Apples is pretty much the best game ever created. And ice cream sandwiches and the Office rock my socks. Spontaneous combustion and Schindler's List. Oh yes.

On Silly Things...

Hmmm.... so I got home tonight and sat down a la computer, rifling through the usual spectrum of sites... Livejournal, MySpace, HSFacebook, Phatmass, when I found one of those lovely survey things that tons of people (myself included) have grown so fond of filling out. And as I began to erase my friend Miriam's answers to fill them in with my own, I realized how odd it all was. Why do people so enjoy answering random questions about themselves, posting them for everyone to see? I came to the simple conclusion that this world is driven by a desire for knowledge. We seek to be known- by others and ourselves- so we post lists of random facts in order that others might read them, appreciate our perspectives, and understand us more fully. We may also be driven by pride, the yearning for attention or approval, or the desire to be loved. Or we may just be extremely bored.


I'm extremely bored, so la dee da!


1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Hmmm... I think the only big one is in my mouth from my surgery last year. Other than that, on my knee from a scooter accident. Silly scooters.... =P

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
A canvas painting, bulletin board, crucifix, 'Play Like A Champion Today' sign, a lei, dangly fish things, random pieces of art

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Just your typical camera phone!

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
Goodness, pretty much everything except hardcore, rap, and punk. Mostly acoustic/ piano type stuff.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Almost midnight.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Love. Heaven.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Living with my mom, sophomore year, childhood

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
Hmmm.... guitar or camera I suppose.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
Either coconut or vanilla! I looooove them!

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Nope.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Haha yes of course.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
I don't really wear anything except the occassional vanilla, but I love Old Spice on guys.... Yummmm!

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Haha typically short, I suppose it depends.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
I have no idea! I know the Lord has something awesome in store though!

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Does tea count as an energy drink?

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Cheese, mushroom, or pepperoni

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Hm. Well, I just had Taco Bell so I'm actually quite full...

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD/ANNOYED?
A friend's brother I think, possibly my friend as well

20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
Oui!

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX EVER GAVE YOU, ROMANTICALLY?
Ummm, well speaking romantically.... I don't think anyone's ever given me anything like that. *shrugs*

28. WOULD YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING FOR SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY?
Ha. Of course not. How stupidly naive.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? After they've already told you so you don't feel like a complete idiot if it's not mutual, probably.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
13

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
? Typically brunettes, though there have been exceptions.

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
Meryl

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Pride in myself and others, fake-y people, drama

34. HAS ANYONE EVER SPITED U?
Probably

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Lots.

37. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST JOB?
Silver Hawks

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Haha definitely!

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
Hanging with friends at the Bell

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Um.... I wouldn't!

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
because I'm very, VERY bored.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My voice and my hair, surprisingly.

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
I would wonder what they'd do at Mass.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have everything I need... for now. =)

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
As many as God gives me.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Ireland. Yay.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Kind of. I look at them and think of how brilliant God must be and so they remind me to pray to Him.

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
The pinkie! And the left ring finger, of course... haha.

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Adoration last week?

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes!

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I don't really like lunch meat.... at all. It's very slimey.

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Yes, a few. Talking too much about myself/about things people don't care about and screaming when I get tickled.

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD YOU OWN?
Why would I be embarrassed about my own music choice?

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably not... haha that sounds pessimistic but I would probably get bored with myself very, very quickly.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Nope. Not too much.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Singing, writing, sometimes crying. Rolling my eyes a lot.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
Do I have one? probably not.

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
Superficially yes definitely, but with extremely deep matters, it's difficult. *shrugs*

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Haha the Sit'n'Spin!

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
No, of course not. Such verbal contradiction offers no comedic value of any sort.... *smirks*

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
Nope.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Faith! Sense of humor, intelligence, outgoing-ness, uniqueness.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Thunder Thighs. No, I do not have thunder thighs. Really, I don't.

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Who has time for that?

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Vanillayummmmm!

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
The shiny blue favorite-car-and-prom-dress color, chartreuse green, magenta

73. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
None. Stupid surgery.

74. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
Hahaha. I've learned that missing people doesn't really do much. As to the 'what,' probably the last year.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
No way. Hopefully nobody's actually read this far. If anyone has, I pity their souls.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Jon Mclaughlin- 'A Song You Might Hear At A Wedding'

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Nachos and cheese

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Anna

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Sense of humor, confidence, that certain sunshine-y quality that just sort of emanates from some people.

80. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a hospital, I would assume.

81. SCARIEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
Asthma attack. Tornado. 2nd grade.

82. FAVORITE DRINK?
Green tea or Dr. Pepper or good old H20

83. FAVORITE JOKE?
Oye, I have one, but I can't remember it.... goodness that bugs me!!

84. FAVORITE SPORT?
football or baseball or figure skating or taewondo..... or snowball fighting

85. YOUR HAIR COLOR?
brown?

86. YOUR EYE COLOR?
blue

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
nope

88. SIBLINGS?
mon frere, Matt the Brat

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
December! or October.

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
have I ever had sushi? No.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
I think I watched 'Deal or No Deal' and 'Everybody Loves Raymond'

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Christmas Eve

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Well personally I don't really think it's necessarily MY job to do the asking (as Mira and Katie said), but I certainly don't think it would be because I'm too shy... Lord knows I'm not!

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter!

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships, the way God intended it to be.

97. WHO DO YOU SECRETLY LOVE?
Why would I tell anyone on Blogger, LJ, or MySpace? Those who I want to know already do!

98. FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
Already In by Jon McLaughlin

99. Lake or Ocean?
Ocean... and why all of a sudden no caps?

100. Biggest turnoff:
self-absorbed-ness. Overseriousness. Worldliness. Shallowness. Boringness. I'm-too-selfconscious-to-be-different-in-any-way-shape-or-form-so-I'll-
just-look-dress-and-act-like-everyone-else-ness.

Ecstatic Adoration

There was a moment when I thought
the fabric of time would tear
the world would seem a distant star
and I'd be far from there...

There was a moment yesterday
a long, drawn out sigh
when the heavens were screaming a beautiful song
and I
thought I could die.
There was an impeccable moment
a minute
an hour
a day
of sheer rhapsodic ecstasy
in which my soul will stay
Can you feel the brilliant light
that keeps me wide awake?
It grows and presses on me
till I feel
my core shall break

"I rejoice heartily in the LORD, in my God is the joy of my soul; For he has clothed me with a robe of salvation, and wrapped me in a mantle of justice, Like a bridegroom adorned with a diadem, like a bride bedecked with her jewels." -Isaiah 61:10

Joyjoyjoyjoyjoy.

It's funny, I'm about 99% positive that I've grown more in my faith in the last three weeks than in all the months since my conversion. Praaaaaaise the Lord. I'm about to burst.

Help me write a great(ish) song...

I'm writing a song (with piano!) for the Excel Awards (formerly Project XL) and I'd greatly appreciate your help. I'm posting a few pictures off of Chromasia, my favorite photoblog. You don't have to comment on all of them, but I'd be amazingly grateful if you could give your two cents on one or two. Not an in-depth, detailed analysis, but just what the picture makes you think about or any emotion it evokes. If it speaks a story to you, I'd like to know. You see, this year's topic is perception, so for once I'd like to step outside of my own. If it's not too much of a trouble, I'd prefer you email me your responses. Merci~!

Talking in British accents is probably the coolest thing ever. Just to let y'all know.

I have a post bobbing around in my head. I know exactly what I want to say... but I can't write. I just can't. It's such a good post... Stupid brain! Eh.....

A Beautiful Void

There is a stillness in my soul
a crystal sea of peace
And though I'm starving of myself
I drown in His release
The earth had set a banquet
of the most delicious sin
and its eyes embraced me tenderly
as a glance would pull me in
below the liquid light there lay
a depthless, breathless well
I gasped and drank the water
as I fell

I'll stop posting pictures soon.... I promise!

In The Meantime...

Just trying a few things out. *shrugs*

I'm Walking On Sunshine, whooaaa!

Wheeeee, shiny!

Matt's 'model' pose? I'm not sure.

Aaron Seng is freaking HOME!!!

And in our bunches of emails he never told me... the door just opened and there he was. Ta da. I almost broke my cell phone when I hugged him cause it flew out and the back fell off... it's a pity I don't have The Tank. And I totally had to leave for practice before Antioch ended, so all I got was an ecstatic wave and a hug and a few words. So not fair, haha. Anyway... Dangdangittydingdong! (He probably doesn't think I should be this excited about it, but hey, I haven't seen him since August!) Oye. Coolness incarnate. I better be able to talk to him soon or my head may just explode with excitement. Merry Christmas to me, eh?

Trying to prove that he could eat the Gingerbread Man...
that my uncle made like 25 years ago.

Umm... I don't know. I think I was imitating the nutcracker...

Oh yeah, and I got my Christmas gift early. Canon Powershot A610. Best camera on the market supposedly. Way sweet. Waaay too expensive, but still sweet. I love pictures so much, I've already taken around 75, from DQ and my family. I can't wait till break, it'll be muchos funos... or something. *dances*

Canon Powershot A610. Freak out.

Oh yes, that is indeed an ornament. Rock on.

Oh yeah, got a 3rd solo at the last minute for Lessons and Carols... that'll be a blast. Oh Holy Night, What Child Is This, and Night of Silence. Yay! Too bad you fruitloops won't be there to see it, Mary Cate and Sarah Holland and Will Heckaman have solos too, and they'll be really beautiful. Oh well.

Boo?

My Brother. BB Gun. Be afraid, be very, very afraid.

So yeah, today began my family's week-long Annual Christmas Deco Brouhaha. As you can tell from the pictures, it is usually quite odd. Much Mannheim Steamroller music and craziness, mostly me and my brother running around the house like idiots with tinsel in our hair and cookies in our mouths pretending to be possessed nutcrackers... anyway, just thought I'd share the joy of my new camera... haha have a wonderful next few weeks everyone, see you soon!

My beloved Boofluffymuffinpillowface.

And you thought I was psycho...

In Order To Form A More Perfect Union...

Sweet mother of snowglobes... behold! A treasure of incomparable sweetness... possibly. The piece of art that was at first the bane of my existence has grown on me in the past 6 months or so. I do believe that if the producers keep it true to its original form, I shall be quite smitten with it for some time. Now, the rest of you have likely abandoned interest, but I am perpetually in awe of the hilarity. Bon bon bon!

So, y'all have undoubtedly heard of the steaming conflict over the role of religion in Christmas and the de-spiritualizing of the holiday in the United States. Stores are forced to say 'Happy Holidays,' people are ticked at the President for putting up a Christmas tree in D.C., et cetera. Personally, I only see common sense on one side of the coin, but I will justify my beliefs (or attempt to) presently. This matter is extremely important to me and I do not feel that it is possible to sit back and ignore it.

First, I think we can all agree that the basis of this argument comes from the 1st amendment, and as to whether or not there is in fact an 'establishment of religion' going on in events such as those mentioned above. Some people are supposedly offended by the word 'Christmas,' a term used by priests and pagans alike for centuries. They find themselves to be in the minority and feel that we as Christians are imposing beliefs upon them that they do not themselves hold. It is true that the Constitution aims to abolish that injustice: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech..."

However, let's take a look at what the term 'religion' entails. I believe that there can be quite a bit of insight gained when one simply begins with the correct information. According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, religion refers to 'a set of beliefs, values, and practices based on the teachings of a spiritual leader; a cause, principle, or activity pursued with zeal or conscientious devotion.' Very nice. Thus, it is true that to establish or enforce a preferred set of beliefs is unconstitutional. But how often is this done in every store, on every television, and with every passing year?

If the given definition of religion holds true, our society has in fact established several laws that could be considered in violation of the first amendment. It seems to me that as a devout Catholic, I am in the minority. You see, Agnosticism has become a religion, that is, 'a cause, principle, or activity pursued with zeal or conscientious devotion.' Materialism has become a religion. Lust, self-worship, hatred. All religions. I see people sacrificing thousands of dollars, their purity, and their hope all in worship of things of this world. When, on a rare occassion, I am channel surfing, I can immediately see evidence of it. If I am wrong, and people are not making cars, money, sex, and power their gods, why then the obssession with them? It seems to me that most go at it with more than a 'conscientious devotion,' and with something close to a maniacal avidity.

Personally, as a minority, I am deeply offended by these false religions established so firmly in our nation's core with wreckless abandon. My adversary, you are offended by a plant and a few words; I must face porn, 'reality' dating shows, MTV, and the juniors sections at department stores that sell nothing but skin-tight and low-cut tops. I see no sense in the accusations and goings-on of those who feel excluded because of trees and seasonal greetings, because I as a Christian must face worse than that. I know the facts, and I won't consider these accusations valid until the day that all impressment of idolatry is stripped of this society. Grab your calendars, folks, it'll be a long wait.

The Horror, The Horror(ish)!

Okay, this blog has gone depressingly downhill. Basically, I've begun to resort to one of three options. A) Be random and utterly ridiculous which would be a vain attempt as I could never outdo the chaotic randonimity that is Monsieur Miller. B) Be serious and offer insights and connections, thus making my blog completely depressing as it would be no fun to read. or C) post about my life and the odd goings-on of my day, which comes off as self-absorbed and really isn't that interesting anyway... Hm. Well, as Skippy witnessed in the car today, my brain moves rather quickly, so I'll just start typing and hope for the best.

For the past several years there has been a war raging in my household. No, not between the members of my family (though that is gruesome as well). The conflict lies, of course, between myself and the plastic bread bag. You know how loaves of bread are packaged 'conveniently' in the little plastic bags and secured efficiently with a twistie-tie? Yeah, that method is absolute crap in a wrapper. Every time I desire to eat a slice of carb-y goodness, that evil nickel's logo stares me down into a little hole somewhere in the furthest reaches of the Arctic Circle. The plastic crinkles and whimpers as I toss and turn it around, attempting to unravel the mess that is the mutilated yellow twistie. With a few more rotations and one final yank, I manage to free a few pieces from their ghastly prison. Now, here's the clincher: closing the bag. I just love the fact that no matter how many times you press all the air out and get it flat, there's always air in the bag when you reseal it. Always. Sure, it may escape eventually, but that's a whole half an hour or so of trapped air making the bread all nasty and stale. I'm sorry, but bread is sustenance, meant to be moist and delectable, not stale. Stale bread is about as yummy as my dead hamster's frozen carcass.

My old hamster suffered a truly tragic death. Now, in case you weren't aware, hamsters are only meant to live 2-3 years. Mine lived 5. Thus, the final days of Skitter's life were not those of valiant escapes or record wheel-running times. No no, rather, Skitter spent his last 72 hours on this earth trying to make it from his wheel to his water bottle. I went to bed one night and he was lifting his left foot, I woke up and he was lifting his right. Now, I may laugh at certain debatably serious parts in movies, but this was no laughing matter. This was one pathetic hamster, and I loved him very much. So, to numb the pain and hurry his death, I put him in a box with a few of his favorite yogurt drops and some shredded paper, and left him outside. It was January. One can only hope that I somehow developed the first cryogenically preserved rodent...

Anyway, tonight was fun. Busted a few windows at Ado, looked like a cute Uncle Fester at Rocco's, and saw a great ND finish. Bon voyage.

Why do I write?

I write because words are drops of light falling into the shadowed corner of a darkened world. They are the soltice of the heart's expression, the solitude of an art that has long been hidden. I write because I fall in love, I write because I see the world, I write because I am inspired, I write because I live. When life ceases, writing ceases. When writing ceases, life ceases to be life and becomes something to be observed rather than experienced. That is why I write: because it is my way of reliving, remembering, reflecting. A painter may create a masterpiece in his mind but if it is not on paper it is a mere daydream, unpursued and unapplied. Yet this is only my way. The easiest method of warding off false-life is striving for what we are intended to do in everything. Search for that beauty, pine for it. Bread will continue to be bread, as life will continue to be life, but we've been given toasters, and all we have to do is use them. So pull out the strawberry jam and butter and get cracking, the kitchen closes soon.

Let's keep as much of how it was how it is...

In case y'all didn't realize, the last post was written entirely in movie quotes... which is why much of it isn't true. Yes, OF COURSE I dance when there's no music! I'm a shower singer and a sidewalk dancer, I can't help it! Anyway, I'll edit in a little philosophical rambling tomorrow afternoon, for now I am basking in the misery of being an utter disgrace to inspiration's call. Writer's block... the headcold of the soul.

...oh holy merde... I just downloaded a bunch of songs by The Wrens, and there's a song called Thirteen Grand. This is so odd. It's just.... odd.

Thirteen Grand

Talk about all that you kept bottled up inside
Makes you laugh
then it makes you cry
I said it all too late
Is this real at all
you're not so sure
It's easy now because you're safe
can't change your mind
Moving on is not fair when it leaves me on my own
I lived my life waiting for tomorrow
but I guess it's your turn now
We trade these lines to get us by
but what's it matter
You keep saying Jersey's not a home
I thought I had it all figured out
but look who got it wrong

Well, wow. Is there another me walking about this earth?

Another edit because I don't feel like updating: I have a bad feeling about this Thanksgiving Break. I feel a fit of blistering anger that only manifests itself every so often. I think I need some steak knives. And a wall. And some Kleenex. Yup.

Don't Even Bother Reading This, It Will Bore You To Tears

I feel like trying something a bit different. Okay, maybe not simply different, maybe just extraordinarily weird that no one will understand... I won't expound, an explanation would only spoil....

No thinking - that comes later. I must find a truly original idea. It is the only way I will ever distinguish myself. It is the only way I will ever matter. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I don't dance unless I hear some music. I will not say, Do not weep, for not all tears are an evil. Sometimes life is hard for no reason at all, but that is what the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. Now, go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!

Muahahahaha. That was fun.

When Aristotle Falls On Your Power Strip...

...your post gets erased. Oye, I knew I hated philosophy. Kidding, kidding. Anyway, I have happy birthday Jenny returned with more senseless blabber to brighten your day! But first, a plug for my friend Jon. This guy is an amazing pianist and writer, and deserves support in any way possible. Visit his site, listen to some of his stuff, and trust me, you will be surprised. Now, on to the potaytos and potahtos of the post. Well, in all actuality, they're the same thing, but hey, it looks amusing. I wonder which spelling would taste better...

I went to Lula's Cafe on Sunday, a place I haven't been to for a rather long time. We had Creative Writing Club there from 1-2:30, and then I sat by myself on a comfy couch, people-watching and playing guitar. It was really quite a picturesque scene, and you know how much I love picturesquousity. From 2:30 to 4:30, I was content in simply soaking in everything around me, and I must admit that it was the best thinking time I've had in awhile. I love thinking, just pondering and pouring over different things in my head. It's a curse and a blessing, I suppose. But it was much fun, and I think I'll be returning soon to meet Vince, the best person in the world. Not really, but he's pretty flipping awesome. In any case, I got to thinking...

...and then I stopped.

Okay, not really. I actually had written a chunk of a short story, but I got sick of it and deleted it. Oh well, it was merde, I'm sure.

I really need a digital camera. Really really. The one on my phone isn't sufficient, and it malfunctions half the time anyway. But seriously, I could capture all of my friends' lovely moments without any hassle. I think Michael's parents owe me their camera anyway... yeah, I think I'll just steal theirs. Sounds good.

I think this nose business is going to drive me crazy. I don't know why people have a fascination with poking, tapping, and playing with my nose, but now every time I'm bored or sitting at my computer I tap my nose. I don't even realize I'm doing it...It's really weird. It's going to end up with like a dent in it. I think a crater in my nose would be even weirder than my huge eyes...

Oh yes, I'm totally in love with Pandora.com. If you like music and don't feel like downloading it or buying it or sifting through radio stations, go here. Seriously. It's the coolest thing since fiberoptic wands, and we all know how much I love those!

Ohhhh, the choppyoffness. I hate it. If I end the post now it will be completely meaningless and I will be left feeling as though I haven't done an adequate job.

Yet, alas, off I go... more later I suppose.

light from the Love
that is no mere sentiment
remains
though dimmed, lost, forgotten
completely new
for it is
in itself
eternally Undiscovered

Thoughts? Inspirations? Goldfish?

And here's Eddie's friend now..... Porschnekov!

I have a massive series of bruises all over me. It's because Justin abuses me.







...No, not really, but I really do have a ton of bruises. My knee looks like a blueberry and my side is almost the same. Word of caution: Don't attempt to be the human slinky. It's a bad idea.

And don't serenade lawn gnomes. His eyebrows are not little grey clouds ready to rain.

And don't toss ice into the toilet. It is not a wishing well.

And don't eat dog biscuits. Even if it is your life-long dream.

And don't sing to the refrigerator water dispensor.

And don't talk to Mr. Simmons.

And don't try to be Superwoman in a tire swing.

And don't feed the Marcus.


Wow... I learned a lot yesterday.

Freeeeeeeeewrite.

All this time
too much to hold
it overflows into my hands
and so I fold
(It is a pity that
I'm a blind)-
little girl with this
sightless, spotless mind
I count the clicks
of metronome
that mark the moments
till I'm home

and this,
our brilliant escapade
has left me-
silent, silent
shadows of that old charade
have left me silent
silent

I stare out as the buzz flies fast
and wonder if
I'm no more than those thoughts
of seconds passed
Bread and butter is my soul
crumbling like pieces into the bowl of
chicken soup
makes all things well
but can it cure the tempest and the swell
of

this, our brilliant escapade
has left me-
silent, silent
shadows of that old charade
have left me silent
silent

I Bet You Eat Your Young...

Yeah, finally another update. I'm home sick (yes, sick. Not skipping.) from school and so I figure I might as well do something a little bit productive. I'll just throw some randomness out there as that's really all my brain's capable of producing tonight.

The retreat was great, really difficult and probably the worst retreat I've been on personally, but it went really well for the candidates and I know it touched a lot of people. And that's the point. As I hopped off the bus, the first thing I heard was Becki saying 'Erin! We're putting you at a table, is that okay?' So I didn't have to do the rose skit and I was incredibly thankful that the Lord worked that out for me 'cause I never would have held up. Let's see... talks were absolutely amazing given that most had little or no practice. Michael and Claire, in my opinion, could easily go into careers involving public speaking or ministry, and it was so beautiful to hear Emily finally disclose a story that even the team had never heard. Other than that, hmm... I liked P&W for the most part, Mass was interesting in both positive and negative ways, and Saturday night was a very much-needed experience in many aspects. I learned a lot about myself, the past, future, and the like. It was great to be prayed over by Jags and Sanchez, as they both prayed over me at the 2 other monumental retreats in my life, and every time they reveal exactly what I need to know. As I got up, Sanchez said 'whoa, you cry a lot!' ...Isn't that the truth... silly me. Backi and Lou's chastity talk... great. For the first time I totally agreed with everything they had to say, because now I totally understand it, and I have an amazing respect for their courage. The food was good. Wow, that was a long string of uncorrelated thoughts. Oh well.

On December 11th there's a thing called Lessons and Carols at St. Bavo. It's basically a musical performance that the audience sporadically participates in. There are tons of Christmas songs interwoven with readings and reflections, so it's about an hour and a half long. Anyway, I'm really excited because I'm singing a verse solo on 'O Holy Night' and Will Heckaman and I are singing 'What Child Is This?' and 'Child of the Poor' as a duet. I really wish y'all could come, but obviously the timing is really bad so I suppose if you pray for me that'll be just as great.

Wow, my writing is really not very articulate right now. Very choppy. Perhaps a bit of music will help. And no, this isn't about suicide, you silly people. Oye!

There's a postcard out my window
and it's moving at light speed
go from trailer parks to trashcans
from the highway to the trees
Now these roads have all been driven
and these words have all been made
what's that light that's coming toward me?
Why are the lines beginning to fade?

Beam me up Scotty
life's been grand
but on the other hand
I can hear Him singing my name
I'm ready to rise out
of all the haze
it's the end of my days
and I've lived them well

lawyer on the bed of his pride
still he's searching for loopholes
hoping maybe he'll be counted
as a silver made of gold
Nevermind these stubborn lies
you only have one track to record
so choose your words wisely
and be careful with your chords
so on the last day you'll be thinking

Beam me up Scotty
life's been grand
but on the other hand
I can hear Him singing my name
I'm ready to rise out
of all the haze
it's the end of my days
and I've lived them well

His hair is as white as winter
His eyes are loving flames
And so I spend each moment
I will win this race, this game

Beam me up Scotty
life's been grand
but on the other hand
I can hear Him singing my name
The skies are all on fire
and I'm awake
my soul is His to take
I'm just waiting now

Sometime In October

The room of holy angels
has been traded for a wall
and the voices checked by distance
seem no longer down the hall
A bottle filled with green tea
watches from some feet away
it just adds to piercing silence
with the words it doesn't say

So tell me, do you listen?
My voice falters at the end
The error echoes violently
but you remain a friend
So tell me, do you see me?
I am so far from pristine
My perspective's odd and troubled
like the cracks I fall between

So I will fall
not into the dark
on my own
I will shatter
if only You'll break me
I will cry tears of my tomorrow
and I will fall if only
You'll take me

Driving seems a lovely route
but four walls hold me fast
so I lap the miles in my mind
till too much time is past
trees that line my ponderings
are turning brilliant red
but colors aren't useful
for I'm blind when in my head

So tell me, can you feel it?
You're the road beneath my fear
Each false step is cold and balanced
each lost moment is a year
So tell me, will you find me?
I'm no longer on your way
I won't burn the bridge I'm crossing
but I surely cannot stay

So I will fall
not into the dark
on my own
I will shatter
if only You'll break me
I will cry tears of my tomorrow
and I will fall if only
You'll take me

So please, do you remember?
Details vaguely reappear
It was sometime in October
It was somewhere close to here...
_______________________________________________

Wow, soooo many different aspects of life crammed into one little song. Odd, eh? I assure you though, it sounds depressing but it isn't meant to be! (Note who is being spoken to and the variations in capitalization of the word 'you.' Might help a bit.) Feedback, critique, and/or analyzation always welcome.

If You Fell Off, You'd Probably Die!!

Yeah, I know, I just posted this morning and nobody's even read it yet, but oh well. I post again.

Satan is trying to make deer meat out of my soul. Like, totally. He's aiming for a complete calamity. Totally just dousing my heart in fear, desolation, loneliness, panic. And not the typical oh-my-gosh-I'm-being-girly-and-flipping-out-crying-and-dying-inside kind of stuff. I feel unusually calm. You may think this to be a good thing, but rest assured that it is quite the opposite. Hm, analogy. I'm standing in the sunshine but the clouds are looming in the distance, and even the sight of the impending storm is enough to put chills down my spine. I just pray that this storm fizzles before it reaches me. Of course, as a wise friend once pointed out, if you begin in the deepest trench of the deepest valley, the victory is so much greater once you're sitting atop the mountain's peak. It is with this in mind that I continue in the joy of the Lord! I think I'm just going to find Satan, tie him down with the chains of heaven, and make him listen to my praise and worship allllll day loooooong. That'll teach him. Can't keep a good (wo)man down!

P.S.- I'm in love with Aaron Seng. I talked to him on le phone tonight, way amazing to hear his voice!
P.P.S.-I'm also in love with Kreeft and Sheen.

What the heck is gumbo?

"I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
...
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are ..."
-Five For Fighting, '100 Years'

New. Favorite. Song. Heard it on some credit card commercial and totally fell in love with it!

Anyway, I'm really tired. I didn't get to sleep until 2:30. Just woke up. It's 1:08. Wow, pathetico!

I just got a notice from the library that says I have three overdue books. The titles are The Melting Pot Book of Baby Names, The New Age Baby Name Book, and Beyond Jennifer and Jason, Madison and Montana: what to name your baby now. Umm, sure? Now, I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that I don't need those and have never heard of them before in my life. So why are they on my card? Je ne sais pas, the little non-fiction munchkins must be at work yet again. After all, there are like 2 or 3 other Erin Marie Hall's in St. Joe County's library card database... odd.

Okay, so here's the dealio. I think people who act when they're children, who do commercials and movies and TV shows, must grow up to be the some most realistic (and possibly most unimaginative) people in the world. Now, obviously not all of them, as a lack of creativity and the ability to dream is an awful disease that can fortunately be cured by simply opening one's mind to the world. But I'm going to bet that many of them are disillusioned at such an early age that the beauty of movies, the magic of how real they seem, is probably drained away by the time they become teenagers. In retrospect, however, it is possible that it has no effect on them at all. For example, I know all about how music and photos are made, I've been exposed to the writing process and the techniques of photography, yet with each picture that emerges from that darkroom and each piece that spills forth from the pen, there's still that sense of brilliance. Perchance I just defeated my own argument, but I still believe that if one could see the entire technique of how a movie is made, be involved in the process and see all the cords and wires and screens and cameras, it would totally suck the life out of the experience of watching the finished product. Sure, it would be great, but it wouldn't take one out of this time and space as some great movies do *coughLordoftheRingscough*. I don't know, just a thought. I'll have to ponder this one a bit more.

Oh yeah, in case you haven't already, go to SecretRome.com. Really, you haven't seen city and scenery combined in such a beautiful way. Browse through the most recent, perhaps you'll understand my wanting to live there at some point!

I'm going to go eat some Honey Bunches of Oats with Bananas; YEAH BANANANANANAS!

Have a lovely day, guys!

A Few Ponderings On Death...

Would you kill a total stranger for 15 million dollars?
One of my friends answered 'yes' to this. What do you think?

Likewise, would you die for someone you did know if it meant saving their life?

"You cannot love your neighbor as yourself
if you love your neighbor instead of yourself.
You must love yourself to love your neighbor."
-Dr. John Crosby, Philosophy Professor

Dang. Sweet. More later.

Coming soon:
-the ADHD Manifesto
-Sweet pro-life short story/article
-reasons why guys with Marian devotion are way attractive (see Phatmass)
-random songs and poems
-retreat garble

Yo.

Yeahhhh so I don't really know what to say, I just felt compelled to post something. The last week or so has been tres interessant, lots of laughing, which is waaaaay magnifique! I love my friends a lot, Merylio and Justin totally make my day. Of course, it's odd. Even though this year has been really flipping fun so far and I know more hilarity is in store, it really doesn't compare to the fun I had this summer. I miss you guys, Skippy and Alex and Michael...*Shrugs* I guess things just change like that.

Well, off to Piechnik and lunch... hopefully this time I don't launch anything out of the atmosphere...

I Love Fat.

I love fat. I order my fat, wait for my fat, purchase my fat. I wish to marry the fat. And I shall. And fat shall be mine, and I shall be fat's. The fat is the source of all that is good. The Israelites, at the foot of Mount Sinai, they took off their jewelry and fashioned... a hunk of jewelry. THEN, they all had liposuction, and fashioned it into a large ball of fat. Fat fat fat. Fat.
I cannot see out the window, the fat is too consuming. I cannot lift my neck, it is burdened with fat. I am weighed down by my fattening utensil.

I love fat.










...Why do I post this, since one of the two people who understand this doesn't know of my blog, and the other will never read my blog because he is too technologically impaired? I do not know. The only truth that I know is that the fat is beautiful, and ping-pong rocks my face off. The end. I mean, In Julius.

And then there were Barbie and Ken!

I have a shiny unhinged fooooorest... and another non-shiny. Yay yay yay.

I am apparently doing worship at Ado now. Yay yay yay.

The song Isaac and I are writing is amazing. Mostly on Isaac's part. Yay yay yay.

I now have Chem with Meryl. And Chem and English with Jason. And no more personal attacks. Yay yay YAY!

And now I'm off to the football game, totally enthused by a new love for my Lord and inspired by the joy of His unending mercy! Adieu!

Yum, aluminum! I mean, dog food!

I realize that I haven't made a good random, useless post in quite a while, so here we go! I shall jot down whatever thoughts come into this little head of mine and see what becomes of le poste...

Today was really sweet, it was vocations day, so not only did we have an awesome Mass with the coolest homily I've heard in a while, but we also had priests, nuns, and brothers come into our classes to speak and answer questions. I was happy because Sister Gianna Marie and Fr. Bill both came to my religion class, and Meryl and I ended up missing about ten minutes of lunch talking to Sister Gianna about religious life. It totally freaks me out, the possibility of a religious vocation. Odd indeed.

I have decided, and it has been voted that my old black comfy sweater is the best pillow everrrrrr in Krucina's class. Goodness, 3 dimensional algebra is a bore! I fell into a ridiculously sweet meditation on Pentecost during his class, and then fell somewhat asleep. Meh, I don't think it matters much...

Speaking of Krucina, a guy from Wizards of the Coast is coming to Strategy Games tomorrow, apparently with an abundance of goodies... Thus, I get free Magic stuff and can keep true to my vow of never spending a cent on Magic! Yay! I also have this odd urge to make a deck. I don't know how, and I don't have cards, but oh well!

Hm.... what else, what else? Oh yeah, the retreat is coming up. I am insanely PSYCHED because I know this is going to be sooo flipping fun to put together. It seems I've kind of taken over Alycia's leadership position, just kind of keeping things somewhat together and not-too-nuts and helping Lou and stuff. It will be fun. And I think I might be playing the girl in the rose skit again. I initially wanted to do the turn around skit, as I've done both of the other serious ones, but now I see that I connect to and understand the role in the rose skit sooo well, it is definitely what the Lord wants me to do! Also, I think it'll be really great to be able to work in ways that will go unnoticed to most. I don't know, the idea of unrecognized charity... it's way cool.

Oh yeah, and Isaac and I are bringing our guitars, so you can hear the 3 or 4 songs I've written if you like, and the uber awesome song that we're collaborating on... haha my words, his music, both voices. Pure sweetness!

Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure; wash me, make me whiter than snow.
Let me hear sounds of joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
My sacrifice, God, is a broken spirit; God, do not spurn a broken, humbled heart!
-Psalm 51

No, I'm Not Worshiping the Moon. =)

Tonight, tonight
the moon will creep
into the curious air
though all the stars around her sleep
A knowing smile she'll wear

Tonight, tonight
the moon will dance
to a tune that's not her own
We'll lend her but a note of chance
and leave her to her throne

Tonight, tonight
the moon will wonder
where the radiance lies
For all the truth asunder
makes no sense within her eyes

Tonight, tonight
the moon will cry
on beams of stolen dawn
Her solace is the velvet sky
that seems all but foregone

Tonight, tonight
the moon will speak
unto my crystal heart
as does a mother to her child
or lovers torn apart

Tonight, tonight
the moon will fall
into these little hands
and tonight the moon will hear my call
'O Holy Mother, take my plans!'

Ohhh... connections!

Today, I awoke and had no idea how many little connections were awaiting my scrutiny. Bah, I shall attempt to go into detail here, but I know I'll forget some things...

Anyway, so I begin. Ahem.

Have you ever had a random string of words stuck in your head for no apparent reason, words that are seemingly uncorrelated until actually thought out? Yeah, that happens to me constantly, usually in my sleep. I have learned that usually the phrase has some significance and I should look into it further, otherwise it'll be stuck in my head like a broken record all day. So, I awake from a deep and dreamless sleep at about 2 in the afternoon. Yes, extremely late, even for me. I lay in bed for awhile with my eyes closed in something of a half-daze, half-slumber. Slowly, I begin repeating the phrase 'new paint rippington the 2nd' in my head. Over and over, without even realizing I'm doing it. Finally, about 15 minutes later, I recognize what wheels are turning about in my head and jump promptly onto Google for help. Usually, I Google the phrase that's in my head and click 'I'm Feeling Lucky,' finding some bit of insight or some fact I should be aware of. Today, however, that first link proves worthless, and I am somewhat baffled by the fact that my method might be merely coincidental. Of course, I know this is silly as it has worked so many times before and I honestly don't believe in coincidences. So I go back to the Google main page and stare at the screen wondering what to do. Finally, I come to an epiphany. I Google again, this time for the phrase 'new paint rippington.' I clicked on the 2nd link, and the first thing I read is the word 'Topaz.' Topaz is the birthstone that is considered the Gem of the Setting Sun. In literary terms, the setting sun symbolizes the end of something. The word right below 'topaz' is October, and the number right beside that is $13.98, rounded to 14. The second thing on the page that I notice is the statement in bold right beneath the word Topaz... 'A change for the better.'

Thus, the phrase 'new paint rippington' has led me to see that is important that I understand that October 14th was a change for the better.

Later, I go to the Youth Mass. As I walk into the Church about 5 minutes into the Mass, I feel like Christ is so far from me, like I am weak in faith for allowing myself to be broken. The Lord was strong amidst trial, yet I am not. I look around for a place to sit, and since I don't particularly enjoy sitting in pews with lots of people already in them, I slide into the end of the only empty pew in the back. Feeling weak and unworthy, I wonder how I could have possibly allowed myself to fall yet again, how I should have fixed my eyes upon Jesus the first time. Distracted by what seemed like movement behind me, I look up and realize that I am sitting within a foot of the 7th station: Jesus falls a 2nd time. I have fallen and been broken twice. I am not unworthy or isolated from Christ because of it, I am united and beautiful because of that suffering. Even Christ fell thrice. (And Christ suffered 7 mortal wounds, the hematidrosis in Gethsemane, the crown of thorns, the scourging, the 3 nails, and the piercing with the lance.) Suffering is sanctifying.

I love the Lord, He must have so much fun tinkering with my brain!

Another Title-less Post

I refuse to write in the overly dramatic, cryptic lines of a typical upset female, because I find it rather odd when I read that kind of stuff. In fact, I think I refuse to write, period. It's extremely rare for me to not be able to formulate an idea or the words to express an idea, so perhaps my best bet right now would be to just step away from the whole blog thing for awhile. I don't know. Writing just doesn't seem like much fun. Which is scary, because guitar and piano and reading and Creative Writing Club (oops, I missed it.) and singing and photography and philosophy and apologetics seem to have no appeal right now either. I now understand why so many fall away from Antioch. Lord, give me the grace to persevere.

P.S. I'm grounded from my cell for awhile, but my new voicemail message is indubitably awesome and I would be tres happy if I had a bunch of happy messages waiting for me when I get it back, so call and leave me one! =) (And yes, I know I can check my voicemail without my cell, but I won't remember to!)

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Sex, Lies, and Mass Manipulation

Awww, I'm in such a girly mood. How silly. This Antioch retreat was absolutely amazing, especially Chip and Virginia's chastity talk. Hearing it made me toooootally desire a pure, chaste, holy, wonderful courtship. They told their story and it is absolutely beautiful, every detail was wonderful because they set aside their personal 'wants' and allowed God to fulfill their true desires. Wow, insanely awesome. I wish I could explain it more thoroughly, but I know that no words of mine could even begin to do their talk justice. It made me realize that I don't have to end up like my mother- broken and burdened by heartbreak. I know that the man I go on to marry is going to challenge me and encourage me to strive in my faith like nobody's business and will complement me, revealing to me a goodness on earth that will lead me to the Goodness beyond this earth. Wow, it's flipping amazing to think about!

I also found a book on my bookshelf called 'Three To Get Married' by Fulton Sheen, an insane beast of a writer and a sweet bishop as well. He goes into the theological and philosophical aspects of love and marriage and it is so refining and enlightening to read. So far I'm only about 50 pages into it but holy wow, it's like Mountain Dew for the soul. Not only does it increase the desire to wait for a true and holy love, but it also makes more apparent the truth that love consists of not just romantic; in fact, it is least of all romantic, and greatest of all, charitable. (Haha so you can imagine my absolute shock when a guy from the retreat asked me out to dinner today.)

My third point in this feminine spew of random nonsense is that this weekend is Sweetest Day, and I just watched one of the best romantic movies of all time. No, not the Notebook, I hated that movie! Sleepless In Seattle is an insanely awesome flick, and I just saw it for the first time tonight. However, I think all these chick-flicks are pretty much the equivalent of female porn. Since a guys' mind is hinged on sex and physical pleasure and piqued by sight, pornographic images are obviously the way to disturb and pervert his mind. But, as Sheen says so eloquently, "Man is driven by pleasure; woman by the meaning of pleasure." Women, myself included, do not pervert the act of sex itself, but rather, and possibly more importantly, we pervert the concept of love. The chick-flicks that are ever so popular amongst Catholic and non-Catholic women alike advertise love as a hallmark sentiment driven purely by emotions and having little to do with actual charity or agape love. It's all about the chivalry, the magic, the stars, the cute quotes, the ring, the dress, the sex. The media blasts (rather subtly) into our minds the idea that love is a feeling rather than a decision, a fleeting sensation rather than a permanent Christ-like choice. We females are twisted into thinking that love is all about the cute stuff, while males are twisted into thinking it's all about the passion.

It's kind of scary to think about it that way, but there is, I believe, a remedy to the manipulation we've been fed. Ladies, with all the movies, books (ugh, I hate romance novels!), and TV shows (never actually seen Friends or the O.C., but I've heard that they're killers) that show us the 'ideal Prince Charming' situations, we can so often (but not always) break these messages down and understand why exactly we get all mushy and starry-eyed. Think about it. In the Notebook, why do most girls get all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when they find out that the elderly couple have been in love for so many years? Why do we cringe when the main character fights with her future husband, and cry of happiness when the husband and wife die in bed, together? It is because we subconsciouly know what God wants for us, we know what a holy relationship should be like! We smile at the fact that the husband remains with his wife, even when she has no recollection of who he is, because we know that love should be 'till death do us part.' We are filled with worry when the couple splits, because in our hearts we know that it isn't meant to be that way, that Satan is working to end something good. And the sight of the couple dying together symbolizes a permanence of the love they possess for one another, a passing of love from this life to the next. (As Chip said with tears in his eyes, "My grandfather couldn't live without my grandma, and I just... can't imagine my life without Virginia.") The world strives so desparately for the truth, and they are so close!

Well, I hate to leave this with the whole choppied-off feeling again, but my hands hurt and I should be doing some reading. God bless!

'Oh look, Little Bo Peep From Hell! Watch as I stab thee with my staff!!'

Yay! Blogger has been revived! *Cheers*

Okay, so I definitely learned what Sweetest Day was like half a year ago, and I totally adore the idea. In case you aren't aware, Sweetest Day is a holiday celebrated on the 3rd Saturday of October. (This year, that falls on October 15th.) The holiday was orginially a day to help the needy and underpriviledged/ show appreciation for loved ones and friends. Today, Sweetest Day has taken on the latter connotation, a day in which people can go crazy and make their friends and loved ones feel tres spesh. Like St. Valentine's Day, only it has less to do with romance and more to do with simple thankfulness and appreciation. Now, I'm sure sooo many people have deemed this a 'Hallmark Holiday,' but it definitely wasn't created by the greeting card company, and even if it was, who cares? I know I personally love holidays of all sorts, especially holidays where showing appreciation is involved! Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentine's Day have always been my faves, not only because of the atmosphere but also because it's a time that I can really let everyone know how much I care for 'em and let them know just how much they rock my freaking face off (aww, I miss MCQ)!

This weekend is the Antioch Retreat. I'm kind of comatose. Don't know if that's a good thing. I keep on thinking 'wow, we only have like 15 candidates... this is going to suck.' But then I catch myself and it hits me. Who am I to confine the beauty of God's infinity to such a small space? Who am I to judge His works or critique His plan? Obviously, as Aaron has instructed me to tell everyone, the people who are meant to be on this retreat are going to be on this retreat, and those who want to come but cannot are obviously not at the point that God needs them to be at as of yet. Everything will be picture perfect in its execution as long as we step out of God's way and stop telling ourselves that numbers mean everything. I know I must eat my own words in this case, but really, the Antioch program is designed for this many people.

Oh look, what a lovely WERBILGERBAT!!

Anyway, to recap:
-Sweetest Day rocks. (October 15th)
-Y'all have to remember to celebrate it. Yes, even you college peeps! Give your roommate a hug, call your parents just to say hello, or even leave your least favorite teacher an anonymous thank-you note. It's little things like that that can truly brighten someone's day and bring Christ to the world!
-Antioch Retreat this weekend. Not very big.
-I give my talk Saturday morning right after breakfast, pray that I get better!
-God is... awesome.
-Life is peachy.

Voila!

Oh yeah, and do this. really. You know you want to...

Another Wonderful Waste of Photshop Time (aka How To Distract Hank v2.0)

Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY IN SONG TITLES by that band (you pick your own band or artist, dont use the same one as the person who did this before you).

Artist/Band: Newsboys

Are you male or female: Elle G.
Describe yourself: Step Up To The Microphone or Sing Aloud
How do some people feel about you: Good Stuff
How do you feel about yourself: Miracle Child
Describe where you want to be: In Christ Alone
Describe what you want: Love Liberty Disco
Describe how you live: Live In Stereo
Describe how you love: Landslide of Love
Share a few words of wisdom: Boycott Hell

Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true...

Sosososososo jittery.... must... get... to... Adoration!!

Baaaah!

*slaps face*
*jumps around*

I feel like one of the guys in the Demented Cartoon Movie... Like my heads just gonna randomly pop off. Yeah exactly like that, minus the kamikaze watermelons. We're out of watermelon, so instead I've got pineapples flying everywhere...

zeegyboogydoo!
*explodes with anticipation*

Random Nonsense

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
-Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)

She allowed her eyes to rest gently upon the page, the words serving as soft pillows for her gaze. The lines, they were written for her. No man alive could possibly know her situation, or understand her state. Each emotion was as unique as a cliche, rewritten for her own story in her own little way... And then the room stopped spinning.

She was different now, disillusioned. Surely, she wanted no more than to apply it to her own love life, her own personal story of separation and fear. Yet her circumstance, it seemed, was not deserving of such a dramatically truthful statement. Yes, he had been with her for miles, walking alongside as though his only destination was where she was headed. But she had tossed her heart like paper into his hat, and he continued walking without the knowledge of her absence. She wouldn't dare to hand over such a magnificent line for the sake of a few recollected memories. Not this time. This time, there was another. She had fallen again, into a deeper and more meaningful love than she could even fathom. The passion and comittment enraptured her, enfolded her in waves of ecstatic joy she had never known in all her years of happiness. It was the separation from him, the rift of absence, that haunted her with adoration and longing for her beloved.

She could take it no more. With a conclusive jolt, she raced back to the end, hoping for some remnant of what she'd left behind. And there amongst the rubble was his body, pierced and battered for her sake. She buried her face in his chest, knowing that it was her foolishness that brought about his death. And out of the indistinguishable darkness, she whispered, 'I love you, my Jesus, I love you!.'

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

"Are not five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them has escaped the notice of God. Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows."

Toward the end of the 'brisk' run with my little brother tonight, I waved him on and stopped by the ever-so-familiar cornfield that I often find myself inexplicably drawn to. Sitting down behind the fringe of bushes, just out of sight, I stared up at the stars and immediately knew that God was there. It wasn't an emotional sensation, simply a feeling that Christ was saying 'Here. Now. This is where I want you.' It was rather incredible, I felt like I was experiencing unemotional emotion, devoid of the worldly glaze that has been over my heart the last several months. It was then that I immediately thought of these verses and stared out into the brilliant twilight as if for the first time. The sky was like the cashmere coat I've worn on one occasion, the horizon like a cutout with innumerable jagged edges. To think that the Lord created all of it, and not by the power of any supernatural Caterpillar or the genius of any programming language. He merely willed it all to exist. It was God's daydream, His imagination creating the most beautiful of stories. And he knows each character and detail so intimately! We as humans have not the patience, nor the dexterity, nor the eyesight to count a single fraction of the hairs on our heads, yet Christ knows them all with His eyes closed and both hands tied behind His back (or nailed to a cross)! Perhaps if we learned and acknowledged His beautiful work we would be so much more willing to trust in His grace.

The second thought, which struck me with the force of a hundred blows, was that of the eagerness God has to be with us. I was singing Hungry, a wonderful worship song, when a particular lyric jumped out at me:

Hungry I come to you for I know you satisfy
I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry
and so I wait for You, and so I wait for You...

The last line suddenly sounded very odd to me. Wait for Him? Why are we waiting for Him? Christ stands with His loving arms outstretched at every moment of every day, He is waiting for us! What an illusion we create when we act as though it is something He must do for the people He has already given His life for. So often in worldly relationships, marriages, and friendships, when we are wronged by someone close to us, we are hurt and upset by the offense, believing that the validity of love is inversely proportional to how often we are hurt by it. But Christ- what a wonderful, beautiful, holy Father and Lover! He does not wait for us to come crawling back on hands and knees, doesn't wait to forgive until we take him to a nice restaurant or give Him what he wants. It is instantaneous and unstoppable love. We throw Him down by our sins and he jumps up, still begging and pleading for us to love Him. He sets a divine example and gives us all such a clear image: love is not never being hurt, it is learning to constantly forgive.

One Way to Distract Hank...

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you: Claire Higginbotham! My twin!
2. Where was your first kiss? Gym of Marian
3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? I do hope not
4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Yeah *grins sheepishly* I'm somewhat violent
5. Have you ever sang in front of a large number of people? Yay! I love it!
6.Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Sense of humor
7.What really turns you on? I'm not a robot, I don't come with an on/off button. Thank you.
8.What do you usually order from starbucks? Do I go to Starbucks? That's a pretty rash speculation...
9. What is your biggest mistake? The one I won't talk about on here.
10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Yes, unfortunately.
11. Say something totally random about you: I have recently discovered the hidden joy of bright, flow-y skirts and Twizzlers.
12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Yeah people used to tell me I looked like the Olsen twins, when my hair was lighter. (Psychos)
13. Do you still watch kiddie movies or tv shows? Veggie Tales!
14. Did you have braces? Still do, meh.
15. Are you comfortable with your height? Sure?
16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for/with you? Awww um Michael and I watched the stars a lot, does that count?
17. When do you know it's love? Prayer, discernment. Prayer, discernment.
18. Do you speak any other languages? French and American Sign Language
19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Heck no! Does it look like it?
20. What magazines do you read? I really like looking at those ridiculous tabloids in the checkout line at Meijer...
21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? yes! Much fun!
22.Has anyone you were really close with passed away? No.
23.Do you watch mtv? hahahahahaha
24.What's something that really annoys you? Disrespect for the sanctity of life, stupid people, superiority complexes ('cause I have one.)
25. What's something you really like? Besides Jesus? Music.
26.Do you like Michael Jackson? I like his hats and his dances.... sometimes.
27.Can you dance? Oh heck yes I can dance! Swing, ballroom, break, you name it!
28.What's the longest/latest you have ever stayed up? all nighter
29.Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die? Yeah, asthma attack at World Pulse Festival, asthma attack when I was little, and tornados.
30.Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? It's possible, but I dont' remember
31. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? Sometimes as I'm erasing the answers....

This was really retarded, but what a lovely waste of Photoshop time it was!

Just a Thought...

Do you know what jealousy is? Jealousy is having all the books in Barnes & Noble except the one you want, the one that is sitting in someone else's stack of purchases. Jealousy is watching the person with the last concert ticket walk away from the window as you stand in front of a 'Sold out' sign. Jealousy is the bitterness that is experienced when you dislike that Barnes & Noble shopper or that innocent music fan, simply for what they have unknowingly taken away from you. Rarely does one stop to think that perhaps it is deserved, or perhaps it is in God's plan for it to happen that way. In the heat of an envious moment or experience, the malice and fear that strike the heart are not logical, proportional to the situation, or accurate in the slightest. They are, however, centered around one integral flaw: selfishness. Too self-concerned to sacrifice the book for the joy of another (or perhaps the wellbeing of the book), too inward to allow another to experience the thrill of a concert, one often doesn't even recognize the havoc this vice wreaks on the soul.

'O LORD, wash away my iniquities and cleanse me of my sinfulness!'

What's another word for bored? Dying? Yeah that's a good one...

...and sure, I could be memorizing presidents or finishing Sleepless In Seattle, but as I said, I am bored, not desperate. Plus, I just ran two miles for the first time since the World Pulse Festival incident, and now I believe my innards may just jump out of my body and spontaneously combust at any moment. My lovely little brother and I ran it together, so as is eternally fitting and proper, the last one back to the house conceded the victory and much-coveted respect to the winner. I came in only 5 feet or so behind him, but I am still flinching from the shame of losing to a (fast) 13-year-old. I also look like hell. Imagine me. Now imagine me after being stranded in the rainforest for 2 months. That is what I look like now.

Oh, and Meryl makes me incredibly happy. She's been spending our Sacraments classes (which are the most pointless blocks of 50 minutes on the face of this earth) writing letters to her college friends. Now, as much as I hate to be a sheep, I loooove snail mail and all my college frineds, so if you guys don't mind getting a letter from me, IM or email me your contact address and I shall write you with my astoundingly entertaining wit.... ish. Yeah! Oh and as Fabby Abulous has already proven, you don't have to be a college kid to get a letter, so there!

Anyway, for your reading torment, and evidence of my absolute maddening boredom/laziness. Stolen from Jacki on LJ.

( Read more... )
Hm, that was a good waste of half an hour. AIM is addicting. 7 IM screens is far too many though. Far too many. *shakes head* On a side note, cell phones are really, really cool. Talk about a distraction....

God bless guys!

Think of Things That Taste Like Pride...

Okay, so I wanted to use that idea from Michael's post, and this is what I came up with. Tell me what you think!

Fashioned of a finer gold
we are the hands that will not fold
Our fingers dance with misery
to music that we cannot see
We grieve over our sins' remains
in valleys flooded by the rains
but water that comes crashing down
is muddy, and it makes us drown
Our lips, they bear the taste of pride
so sweetly sick, our thoughts collide
and soon our lust for something true
is death that we ourselves imbue

And I don't feel like updating again, so here's an edit. I wrote this on the fly, but I quite like it

Behold her
in the light of reality
She is not the dove that's
taken flight
nor the rainbow
fifteen miles
from the storm
Rather, she is the
word 'home' upon a
lonely beak,
a glimmering
gold horizon
peeking through a
shattered sky

NOTE TO SELF:

Now-and-Laters and braces do not make the best of friends.

Do you remember when we used to sing>

Sha la la la la la la la la lala dee da... (No, it's not Blue-Eyed Girl, Justin!)

Well well well, I have come to post. I'm pretty sure there's a whole one person, maybe two, who read this anymore, but oh well. It's nice to get things down online for some reason, much more comforting than a written journal.

So I was thinking the other day (no, not 'what if cartoons got saved?') about how strange it would be if I were born anywhere else. I can't even imagine a life apart from the one I have now. And it baffles me to think that if I'd have made any given decision differently, I would be totally different than I am now. I can think of a hundred opportunities I've taken, words I've spoken, or people I've met that I know have drastically changed the rest of my life. It's scary and strange but amazing and beautiful all at the same time.

You know what I love? Cheesecake. Definitely some of the best food on earth! *nods* I mean, I don't like cheese very much (except on burgers and pizza and when it's the nacho kind), and I don't like cake, but somehow the combination is wooooonderful.

Hmmmm, you guys need to give me some inspiration, I don't know what to write about for Creative Writing Club. Speaking of which, a little ditty courtesy of an anonymous disgruntled poet.

I stop and see the light is red
oh how I wish that I was dead!
Maybe if I go real fast
That first club meeting will be my last!

Le Fin.

Boredededed.

I feel very indifferent at the moment. I am neither hot nor cold, neither ecstatic nor heartbroken, neither hyper nor tired. It really is quite an interesting dilemma.

There are seven water bottles sitting in a row upon my desk. Dasani, Ice Mountain, Aquafina, and a little obscure bottle that appears to be Ice Mountain, but has no label because I got bored. They stare intently at me as I sit here and type, and I think they're prodding me telepathically. They seem to be quite lazy. Incidentally, I have yet again forgotten that I have Sacraments homework. Luckily, however, I have an independent study computer class right before, so even when I slack off I get extra credit for typing assignments- hehe.

Oh boy, the bottles are singing in 3-part harmony. And the one without a label's name is Maurice.

Open the driving utensil!

Okay, for Meryl's sake I have begun updating my LiveJournal again, which leaves me with way too many websites to keep track of: Blogger, Myspace, LiveJournal, Facebook, WeAdore, Phatmass, and Xanga. Insanity I tell you! In any case, I've been double-tagged on LJ for this thing, so I'll post it on here as well. Some of the answers may or may not make sense, you'd have to read them in context of my Livejournal to understand them. Oh well,enjoy!

From poppit
Write 20 random facts about yourself then tag the same amount of people as minutes it takes you to write the facts.

Start time: 6:26pm

1: I am in a very odd situation in which I have been in luff but I'm not sure if I should be or am in luff anymore. I am still very happy. (If you don't know the meaning of luff, talk to Meryl or myself.)
2: I am very passionate about my Roman Catholic faith, though I often feel very weak in it.
3. I've been told I have a way with words.
4. Music is poetry on steroids. I write both.
5. Know-it-alls drive me up the wall.
6. I am a huge know-it-all.
7. I'm extremely sheltered in some aspects and overexposed in others.
8. I'm a ridiculously insane hopeless (hopeful?) romantic. It will probably be the death of me.
9. I want to live in Rome when I get older. I also want to visit England, Alaska, and Ireland.
10. My mom is bipolar schizophrenic with borderline personality/identity disorder. She's amazingly cool.
11. Rain, Celtic music, and pleasant surprises make me extremely happy!
12. I am synesthetic (yes, that's a real word), which means I taste colors and hear shapes.
13. I'm scared to death of being left by those I care for.
14. I'm an elitist, which is why I will never go back to living with my mother.
15. I've been told that I think with my head. I've always wondered what else I could possibly think with...
16. Photography, piano, and chivalry are some of the best things on earth.
17. I adore green tea, hate chai.
18. I used to think I was extremely friendly, and had a ton of friends. Then I met Meryl. =)
19. I love pro-life work, and the unborn!
20. I don't like dismal colors. Chartreuse green, neon blue and yellow are a few of my favorites.

End time: 6:40pm

Okay, there's no way in heck I'm tagging 14 people...

Tags

• chrismas007
• nosferatia
• devastatedsoul
• _silent_statue_
• Mike
• Skippy
• Michael
• Jen
• Alex
• Bridgett
• Mira
  

Love Song For A Savior

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray

I want to fall in love in love with You!

-Jars of Clay-

It's far too tempting, with all the changes taking place around me, to want to find something new myself. Several of my friends seem to be getting involved with new relationships, and it makes me really want that back. The thrill of finding out that someone is attracted to me, the joy of feeling special to someone, the ability to grow closer to Christ with and through another while making sacrifices for their sake... I miss all of these things. But this song helps to remind me that I have soooo much growing to do before I get into my next relationship, and I need to fall soooo much more deeply in love with the Lord before I can even attempt to give my heart to someone else. He's just waiting to show me what it feels like to be loved by a King, and how to love like a true Princess. Christ is the essence of perfection, the most ideal man to walk the earth. Imagine what kind of love story Love incarnate could write! It blows my mind to think of it. Praise God!

Roma Roma Roma!

Rome. The Trevi Fountain.
In case y'all didn't know this already, I decided like last week that I'm definitely moving to Rome at some point in my life. Dude, daily Mass at the Vatican. Beautiful scenery. Epicness up the wazoozoo. Pope. Pope's friends. Good bread. No tornados or blimps. I win.

This kind of coincides with Skippy's future jobs post: If you had the opportunity to live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? (I feel like an essay question when I ask it that way...)

Our Call to Love

"Men are called to act as Christ acted for the Church. Women are called to act as the Church acts for Christ. What do we have, then?

Men-called to sacrifice, leadership, headship, assertiveness, chivalry, love and respect of womanhood and all women, willingness to give up their whole lives for their wives, teaching their children and others in the way of faith in a paternalistic role (giving the faith and outlining it), humility (in order to lead properly and not lord it over), willingness never to let the wife fall, etc.

Women-called to love, humility (in order to follow and trust), trust, hope, willingness never to give up (as the Church persists), comforting, nurturing, ever-faithful, disciplining, caring for spiritual children by supporting and preserving the faith in them, overing herself completely over to the husband (so that she may all the more receive him, who must offer the same to her), etc."

I read this on the Phatmass forum today, and it really kind of got to me. I think it's something I rarely take into account, the fact that in all my tomboyishness my vocation is to be the female that I was created as. Interesting. Any thoughts?

I love writing essays!

OH! My poor little blog, I have missed you so! The internet, in its vile, villainous ways, lefteth you wounded and bleeding a sea of white upon the screen that should have been your home. Yet I rejoice... Thou wert dead (for two hours), but now thou art alive!

...Thou wert? Justin, what the crap kind of Olde English is that? You and your litters and throne-seat-thingies-held-up-by-2-shirtless-men-for-the-king-dude need to perish in the bowels of grammatical hell.

I've decided that Southern accents mix well with made up knock-knock jokes, but I still don't know what a powdermuffin is... definitely another word for aphrodisiac.

Living in a box,
BS

P.S.-talks are hard. Pray for me!

From Underneath I wanted you
To see the first thing I ever poured my heart into
You’ll never know the pain that I’ve been through
I’m not so sure you’ll ever know
And so I’ll make you understand the words that built my life
Were not from you, but from my father’s hand

Do you remember that cold day in December
Leaving everything you knew behind
I may never know how it feels to stand beside you
Or take your hand when I need some direction
And I may never know what it’s like to see you smile back at me
Or know you’d be proud of me

From underneath I promise to erase the past
And let my heart forgive the former you
Replace the dark of old and start brand new
I never thought I’d see the day
I walk toward the end of life and turn the other way
I’m reaching out to take my Father’s hand

From Meryl to Me. By Hawk Nelson.

Meryl, thank you for the whack of poetic empathy.

Wow, what a freewrite.

I'm cold and too tired to sleep
so I'll wait till I'm too deep to fall anymore
I know the more that I think
is the more that I sink to the floor
hard notes are flying
put them together
glued on the solid white walls
here I fall
singing

Save me
heartache is too much
all I need is Your touch
to save me

I know that I'd been advised
but my ignorance seemed so wise at the time
now I walk in the valley
I stumble and can't seem to climb
It's my own mistake
but the error's unknown
and the longest way around
is the shortest way home
crying

Take me
Hidden in sorrow
You'll find my tomorrow and
take me

Foolish tears, don't fall for no one
don't fall for someone who won't care
No more running in circles
telling ourselves that they're square
I blame myself
for every reaction
I've always known I'm a mess to be made
Begging

Break me
shatter my hope and
I will be open so
break me

Save me
Take me
Break me
all for You

Bittersweet September

"Those who try to hang on when God is trying to move on will always be miserable. "
-Joyce Meyer

How am I to talk about being made In His Image if I know not who I am myself? September will be so beautifully bittersweet, discerning my identity in Christ while slowly recalling who I was before the summer. Such is the art of letting go, learning to live like a child, without the concept of yesterday.

Beauty Is Outside the Eye of the Child

I went for a walk in the beautiful almost-autumn air yesterday, and I was absolutely astonished by the evening sky. Smeared across the ceiling of blue appeared whisps and smudges of the most radiant pinks and golds I have ever seen, casting an ethereal glow on everything below. The intricacy was amazing, more detailed and concise than any work of man, yet carefree and liberated in itself. It was upon stopping at the top of my street to get a good look that I was beside myself in awe. The clouds were waves, an upside-down ocean in the sky. They curled and tumbled outward, expanding to meet an undefined horizon somewhere above my head; I could almost hear the crashing, and I wished to open my arms and dive upward into the sea. Who else, I thought out loud, could have ever imagined such a scene? No fine-tipped brush in Photoshop or earthly artists' tool could ever accomplish such magnificence, or even come close. It was a work of objective beauty that held in itself a distinct song. "The heavens are telling the glory of God, and all creation is shouting for joy..." How true! How sad it is that so many can behold something like this and yet deny the existence of its Creator. The artist had crafted at whim a piece more perfect than words can describe, and each stroke proclaimed His love to the world! It was not just a simple delight for Him, it was a way for Him to communicate with us, His children. "Be still, and know that I am God," He beckoned with each shape and shade.

But we are, at times, like Helen Keller as a child. Blind, deaf, and mute to the Father's true presence, we absorb the scenery with our limited senses, only understanding a fraction of what is there. But God does not leave us. In His infinite love beyond comprehension, He grabs our hands, spelling it out and repeating His lesson: "L-o-v-e. This is what love is." But we do not make the connection, we simply sign it back and eat our cake. So often we look to the sky, nod in approval, and move on, not taking time to contemplate what the Lord has so aptly placed in front of us. The water pours forth from the pump and splashes everywhere, like the clouds from some unindentifiable vanishing point. It is there, tangible and real, but so many still do not know its name. "L-o-v-e," the Lord cries to the world, "it is who I am and why I come, it is the living water that pours forth, it has a name!" Christ has poured forth His Spirit upon the earth, and given His life so that we might know His name. He has revealed Himself through the world in which we live. How long will it be till we make the connection?

Praise the Lord from the earth, you sea monsters and all deep waters;
You lightning and hail, snow and clouds, storm winds that fulfill his command;
You mountains and all hills, fruit trees and all cedars;
You animals wild and tame, you creatures that crawl and fly;
You kings of the earth and all peoples, princes and all who govern on earth;
Young men and women too, old and young alike.
Let them all praise the Lord's name, for his name alone is exalted, majestic above earth and heaven.

-Pslam 148:7-13

I LOVE OLD SPICE.

I have discovered a magic power that has long been hidden from the world. I can detect the faintest hint of Old Spice from 10 feet away. Really, even if someone put it on 12 hours ago, I can totally tell they're wearing it. That stuff is soooooooo good. I think I'm obsessed with it. Quick, intervention!!

Additionally, I love my friends. They are indubitably the coolest people ever, which is obviously why they're friends with me. Cool people attract, yo. Yesterday was ridiculously fun, even though it took us a half an hour to decide upon doing anything. We went to Blair's and watched Secondhand Lions, which is a pretty mediocre movie, but the best part was cramming Blair, Timmy, Aaron, Mary Cate, Bunsalot, Tuskey, Will, Justin, Eric, Joe and me into the teensy basement. Much fun! And MC and I totally need to spend more time together, I miss our SMS days *sniff*

I woooonder how the Steubie peeps are doing... I haven't talked to any of them since Wednesday, which is enough to make me cry bloody murder. Skippy says to call 'em, but I think that's pretty ridiculous because if they wanted to talk, they'd call or get online or whatever. Oh well, I think Claire and Jags and Blair and I are all heading over in September sometime, so it's all good. Oh yeah, and I'm pretty sure Skippy and Nat are coming home for Labor day, yaaaaaay! Praise God!

EDIT: Talked to Monsieur Miller en le phone. Now feeling: Stupid, juvenile, and a little more stupid. I suppose it shall all pass, but sometimes all I can do is put on the mask of indifference and hope that eventually I won't be worth it anymore. The Lord is revealing to me, however, that this mask isn't as comfortable as it once was, and the drama that I create to veil my own fear is going to tear away soon. *sings* It was a beautiful letdown...

Oh, by the way, that really sweet post is still under construction, I'm making it into an uberpost.

AWKWARD TURTLE! (We're totally doing it at prom)

Enough of me for one day,
BS

My Life Is Complete

The Giant Penguin says:'you win'

I am the faith in your believing
I am the color of truth
I am the dreamer of your dreams
I am the falling in your love

-Danielle Rose, God Is

Ta da! New linkie! I am so happy. Kinda.

I hate stuff. Kinda.

I l*** (lol Meryl) stuff, without a doubt.

Uber cool post will be coming around on Thursday or Friday, I just need some time to pray and get Michael out of my hair before I write it. Adieu y'all.

As per usual, I am lacking in punctuality. Link hasn't changed yet, but oh well.

The Beginning Should Have Ended Long Ago

Lord,
My timing's faded, fallen out of style
but I still wait for Your holy breath
Like a child, I sit
and drink up the silence
that You have poured
I pick up my insecurities,
lay them in piles at your feet,
and finally surrender with a single conscious thought-
I am not mine to fix.

Dear Watermelon Lippy,
You do not taste as yummy as I thought. You taste like watermelon on my lips, but in my mouth you taste like plastic. Please do not tempt me so, as I think ingesting too much of you may be a bad thing.

-Erin

Wake Up And Smell The Sheepiness!

Hokay, so. This is my new and improved-ish blog. Breakaway Blue Sheep. Yippee, I love it very much. However, I have neither the time nor the energy to describe it in much detail, so I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am a breakaway blue sheep. Not your boring old white, but not bad and black either. Something different from the norm, yet acceptable and bright. And although I am a sheep, I am not a follower sheep. Screw the flock, I shall forge my own paths. That said, onward we go!
As you can see, the layout is quite simple. It probably won't change much in the future. The banner, however, will be changed frequently. The cute little sheep logo will remain, but the font and subtitle will change according to season, holiday, event, mood, or any other weird ideas that may pop into my head.
As for the domain and link, I'll be changing it next Thursday. Got it? Thursday! I'm still undecided as to what to do for the address, though. There are several options, including breakawaybs.blogspot.com, breakaway.blogspot.com, BBsheep.blogspot.com, breakawayblue.blogspot.com, and several others. Comment with ideas and stuff, or whatever.

Luff,
Moi

P.S.-Dude, I could totaly use BlueSheep as a pseudonym. Oh well.

The end of the technological line

I don't know what's happened between me and my computer, Presario. Things just aren't the same anymore. Today I sat down and tried to have a nice chat with him, but he wouldn't respond, just mumbled something about being busy and overloaded. Perhaps the fact that we spend so much time together has made us too comfortable, or maybe he's getting sick of taking all my orders. (I can be rather bossy when I want to get things done my way.) Regardless, I think I'm going to have to break it off. He's just not keeping up with my needs anymore, always lagging and wanting to sleep. I don't know how he'll handle it though. He's worried that I'm leaving him for a younger, faster, no-cords-attached relationship (which I may very well do). I'm going to miss him though. I mean, I may push his buttons every time we're together, but we've had some good times. *sniff* Maybe we just need some time apart.

It's been one of those days
that I just can't explain
unbreakable sorrow
ignited with pain
The shadows around me
are no longer sleeping
they dance and they speak of
the secret they're keeping
My smile has held it
so long that I'm jaded
fumbling for words that
have worn, torn, and faded
This something is nothing
so why does it thrive?
Perhaps it's my terror
that keeps it alive

EDIT: My apologies guys, haha my day wasn't half as horrible as I made it sound!

This isn't erin!!!

This is awesome. Erin made that last blogpost on my computer, and didn't log out!

So for today, your host will be none other than Michael, otherwise known as leahciM at www.nakedants.blogspot.com. Erin, who has returned to her blog and discovered the absolute basketcase it has become after being kidnapped by a random stranger. It was shuddering in a corner humming lullabies to itself.

For today, I shall list Erin's deficiencies. Her MANY deficiencies. wonderful qualities

1. She's fat got an amazingly attractive body
2. She talks a lot
3. She has no idea when she is being annoying cute
4. She has no idea I'm doing this He has no idea I'm doing this
5. She's awful at magic learning Magic with much celerity
6. She's not very smart more intelligent than I could ever hope to be
7. She thinks People like her (LOL)
8. She tries so hard to be funny... but she just simply isn't is incredibly funny when she gets hyper, random, or tired
9. She looks like old cabbage Liv Tyler mixed with Anna Kournikova
10. She can't take care of herself- lets me feel like I'm important. -I have get to drive her everywhere!

There, I think 10 is enough, what do you guys think. Now that I've commandeered her blog (I'm thinking of changing her password), please leave helpful comments so I know where you want this blog to go (it was so horribly boring before earlier).

leahciM, the new host bane of the existence of Deaf World Megaphone.

EAT THAT, LEMURBOY.

Get Thee Behind Me

Darkness, bury your sinister face
this smile is scared of the silence of space
Your venom is stale like the bread I devour
Each morsel so empty, so vile and sour
Out of the pocket and onto the trail
reminders that you'll be the first one to fail
I'll dance in the moonlight and sing your mistake
You've forgotten that this soul is not yours to take.

Burning flesh feels ironically like having all circulation cut off. How quaint.

You Give Me Joy That's Unspeakable, and I Like It

Unspeakable joy... ever felt it? It is an emotion so far beyond human comprehension or description that it can only be manifested in outward acts of elation: smiling, laughter, dance. The word itself is comprised of only three letters, a name altogether fitting for a sensation so irresistibly simple. Ignited by an intangible spirit and fed by a lust for life, it is by far the most wonderful feeling in the world. And it is mine. As I sit here enclosed by the same four walls that I've seen for 9 years, enveloped in light and the scent of vanilla incense, I am truly who Christ intended me to be. And it is an unspeakable joy that makes me so.

Last Night I Dreamt Of Sombreros

To numb the boredom...

i spend entirely too much time staring at a computer screen.
i have a superiority complex.
i never play dumb. never.
i always want the best of everything.
i derive joy from making people smile.
i actually like speaking in front of large crowds.
i enjoy ego boosts.
i am way too hard on myself.
i love to laugh.
i therefore am addicted to flash animations, stupid videos, and pointless comics.
i work crossword puzzles in ink.
i think courting is one of the best things ever.
i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
i am militantly pro-life.
i know a little bit about alot of things.
i usually enjoy the company of men more than women.
i dwell on everything. always.
i am a horrible one-upper.
i taste colors.
i can't wait to own my own house.
i like it when people use my name when speaking to me. it makes me feel special!
i love duckies.
i am a shameless flirt.
i love interior design.
i enjoy singing in front of strangers, but get nervous in front of friends.
i like to make telemarketers feel loved.
i am 32 flavors. and then some.


Name three things you can't live without. God, music, books
What fictional character would you like to hang out with? Hm, wow. Georgia Nicholson. Legolas or Frodo, definitely.
What are you most afraid of? turning into my mother, being unsuccessful, a nobody
What song always makes you cry? On Fire by Switchfoot
What makes you laugh harder than anything? Standup comedy
What would you choose to come back as in your next life? Well, if I'm reincarnated then something is certainly wrong...
What is the best advice you were given by yourself or someone else? "Never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love." Not the best, but the first that came to mind.
What still surprises you? The absolutely retarded attitudes that most girls come equipped with
What quality can make you instantly connect with someone? intelligence, faith, or thoughtfulness
What turns you off right away? insensitivity
If you could read the works of only one person, who would that be? C.S. Lewis
What's really difficult for you? getting out of bed in the morning
What do you wish you had done differently? Not really anything.
Where do you do your most creative thinking? Talking to random people, at Adoration, in the shower (weird, I know)
What motivates to many of your actions? emotions

1. My uncle once: lifted me up by the ears.

2. Never in my life: have I driven a car, done actual karaoke, smoked any type of drug, been to a professional sports game (I don't count the SilverHawks), been in a serious relationship, broken a bone, been to jail, the list goes on....

3. When I was five: I had night terrors that still bug me today and wasn't allowed to watch the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

4. High School was: and still is a 4-year-long distraction from impending college years.

5. I will never forget: my childhood, Antioch, or the friends I've made this year.

6. I once met: Terry and Maureen McFadden, but that's about it. No famous people.

7. There’s this girl I know: who's always crying, always upset about something. I pray for her every night.

8. Once, at a bar: somebody got drunk. I've never been into a bar, but I'm sure it happens all the time.

9. By noon I’m usually: playing piano and convincing myself that 12 is a perfectly acceptable hour to eat breakfast

10. Last night: I went swimming when it was lightning out, jumped on a trampoline for the first time, and finally talked to Michael. Oh yeah, and dreamt of sombreros.

11. If I only had: more time to do what I want and need to do. Read, write, sing, dance, serve, and talk.

12. Next time I go to church: I'll be relieved to finally get there but I'll probably space out within a half hour.

13. Terry Schiavo: was inspiring.

14. What worries me most: is the future. Always. I think about it often, so shoot me.

15. When I turn my head left, I see: A green and blue feather boa, a Chinese calendar, and a room that is waaay too organized for my liking.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: white slats. My closet. Guitar.

17. You know I’m lying when: My eyes get all teary and I'm wringing my hands. I'm a good liar, but I hate it, and do it close to never.

18. What I miss most about the eighties: Not one single thing. Heck, I wasn't born until '89.

19. If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: smarter than Juliet. The bimbo.

20. By this time next year: I won't be at a computer. I'll be freaking out because all my friends will be back for the summer and I won't be able to sit still.

21. A better name for me would be: something that has to do with talking extremely fast or being the poster girl for hyperactivity. Or maybe Thunder Thighs.

22. I have a hard time understanding: my faith, and people who don't have any yet enjoy senselessly insulting mine.

23. When I go back to school I’ll: actually apply myself, do homework, not get into debates with teachers and do more extracurriculars so Steubie won't be as much of a longshot.

24. You know I like you if: I tell you. I typically don't play games.

25. If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be God, duh.

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Evolutionist, genius, and two people I've never heard of before.

27. Take my advice, I'm not using it anyway.

28. My ideal breakfast is: waffles and strawberries, egg whites, and a very small cup of orange juice. Perferrably eaten with someone who can make me laugh out on the porch on a sunny summer morning.

29. A song I love, but do not have is ... I have every song I've ever loved.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: seeking medical help. You must be out of your mind.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: beautiful, are all over the place, cool looking, one of my best friends

32. Why won’t people: just be happy???

33. If you spend the night at my house: the clock has magically turned back to 8th grade, the last time anyone spent the night.

34. I’d call off my wedding for absolutely nothing and no one. Maybe a death or terrorist attack. Maybe.

35. The world could do without: self-indulgent, whiney, overemotional, dramatic, hypersensitive, bitchy, fake, and/or otherwise irritating girls.

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: die, see a blimp, lose the people I care about, have my computer taken away for 2 months.

37. My favorite blonde is the old neighbor boy who I never got bored enough to introduce myself to before he moved. Ironic, no?

38. Paper clips are more useful than twisty ties on a loaf of bread.

39. If I do anything well, it's writing. And living happily ever after. I'm pretty freaking good at that.

40. And by the way...goodnight, I'm sleepy.

Well, if that wasn't the most pointless thing I've ever posted....

Breathe in these breezes of
time in its glory
a great realization
the shift in the story
All that I know now
are misplaced reactions
and hearts in their wisdom
well on their way

Something has changed
let me be like the lily
lives rearranged
dawn
the light and the echo of
mercy is flowing
it's going, it's going
it's gone

How I Learned To Love The Bomb

Ladies, gentlemen, and cannon fodder. I have finally been released from the pits of hell (formerly 'the Cove') until the beginning of next week, and after a 10-hour-long double-header workday with extra innings, I don't know if I shall ever return. I am very, very sore. A massage and a smoothie sound really wonderful right now, though I thoroughly doubt I will be getting either at any point in the near future.

In any case, a post of some substantial value. Maybe. I'll keep it short though.

I've been thinking about time and fate and all that lovely stuff a lot lately, and I started pondering whether or not there are such things as mistakes. If you think about it, every action we make guides us down one of a million paths, leading to one of a million outcomes. If we were to make any given decision differently, it could change everything. We make our own decisions and choose our own paths, but each one is woven throughout time and space perfectly, brillinantly. This fact, along with my firm belief in God's plan, has led me to the conclusion that there truly are no mistakes, no coincidences. Am I alone in this mindset? Comment and let me know, I'm quite interested!

Oh yeah, a preview to my next couple posts:
-A cool religious analogy (not really, but I like it) involving golf
-A cool religious analogy (really, it's brilliant) involving a mosaic and a story
-A cool religious post about innocence
-A cool religious post about satisfaction

The previous list is subject to change at any time, and will likely be interrupted by several random, boring, nonsense posts. Enjoy! Oh and yes, I changed the layout again. Sorry!


Hey, that sky looks like ground...

Welcome to Our Daily Program of Taco Music

Okay, I suppose I have to delay the golf post a bit because in order to write it I need a clear and useful mind, and that is something I'm definitely lacking at the moment. I'm in an extremely random mood and the only reasons I can find for this are the unusual weather and possibly the chocolate chip cookies I just ate. Regardless, at the present time all thoughts and words spewing forth from this odd brain of mind are those of complete and utter randomness and non-sequitur-ization. Thus, this post will likely consist of a large amount of mindless rubbish that bears no pertinence to any matter worth reading. Oh well.

It's been raining a lot lately, in case anyone hasn't noticed. This is obviously a good thing because our lawn was beginning to look similar to the dead land in the Lion King. Ya know, when Simba is standing on the cliff looking out and it's like the 'oh crap' moment of the movie because everything is dry and disgusting. Yeah, it looks a bit like that. Anyway, I really love rain. Yesterday or the day before, I can't remember, there was this monsterous deluge for about a half an hour, and I in my ludicrous-osity decided that rain is really awesome, so I went and walked around outside for a bit. My clothes were soaked but it was surprisingly warm, thank goodness. I think I should do things like that more often, they are really quite fun. I think maybe it has to do with the gift of joy that I've talked about before, but sometimes all it takes is something new or different or odd to brighten my day. Playing in the rain is definitely one of them. Sure, my hair gets all curly and my feet get a little dirty, but that's a price I'm willing to pay!

Hmmm... what else to blog about, what else to blog about...

Pizza. I think I'm going to go order one. Adieu!

Wait- you know what else? I want a pseudonym. I read tons of blogs in the large portion of my day that I spend online, and so many people have cool names that they end their posts with. I used to have a bunch, but they don't really fit anymore. Not only do pseudonyms sound creative, but they're also a good way to end a post without leaving the reader with that choppied-off feeling. Posts without decent endings are like mutilated fairy tales told by bitter old ladies who say 'andtheylivedhappilyeveraftertheend' as though rabid mongooses (mongeese? Oy that's bothersome) were breaking the door down.

You know, that's the difference between me and other writers. So many other people do their best writing when they're feeling random, hyper, or bouncy. But my randomly-inspired writings are, well, just that. Random. Oh well.

See that? I keep trying to end this post and I can't think of a decent thing to say to conclude it.
Hmmm...

I'm going to live in England. And I shall never return. That is all. Apologies for the choppy-offness. I'm going to order pizza now.

LAYOUTLAYOUTLAYOUTLAYOUTGOLF

Yes, new layout. Quite different from anything I've created before. It took a surprisingly long time to get the ideas into somewhat concrete form. It's very basic looking, but I don't mind. The simplicity is refreshing compared to past layouts. For some reason, however, everything looks mucked up when viewed on IE or SBC Yahoo broswers, soooo everyone without Firefox is screwed, I guess. Anyway, here's the dealio. The layout's going to stay pretty much how it is now, but the title (Oh Look, A Distraction!) is going to change. I'm still in the deliberation/discernment process with that. As soon as I decide on a title and subtitle, the domain will be changed. Until then, it remains as is.

Anyway, I know I've been lacking on updated-ness, so another quite substantial, slightly amusing post is soon to follow. I have made a brilliantly wonderful discovery. And it involves golf.

Oh yes. Infinity!

The Society of Death

you were sold from your first breath
into the society of death
a slave-trade of the finest kind
we'll take your soul, we'll take your mind
whatever you're weak enough to give
is ours unless you choose to live

Another day of recollection
on your kitchen counter throne
wonderin' where the 90's went
and why this doesn't feel like home
the time pours in with the afternoon
through the hole in the window screen
so you draw the curtain closed
and hope to pass away unseen

Yet again you're twelve years old
feeling like your life's been sold
nothing's ever gonna change if you don't

Take a look outside
morning breaks
with a handful of guilt
This is justified
by every angle
you have built
You are the mastermind apprentice of anxiety
in society both real and weathered down
but you can write it all down
you can write it all down
you can write it, fold it, burn it
fill the sink and watch it drown

it's a full house with no room to stay
with daughter, son and memories
of some guy who went away
not to mention all those people you talk to
that no one seems to see
must be hard when you can't get a day
away from company

You don't want this grown-up mold
and the novel's getting old
but nothing's ever gonna change if you don't...

Take a look outside
morning breaks
with a handful of guilt
This is justified
by every angle
you have built
You are the mastermind apprentice of anxiety
in society both real and weathered down
but you can write it all down
you can write it all down
you can write it, fold it, burn it
fill the sink and watch it drown

Yeah, definitely a work in progress

EDIT: Just thought you guys might like to know that this song is all about my mom. It's based on one memory of my mother sitting on the kitchen counter by herself smoking a cigarette and looking out our kitchen window onto our patio. There was a little hole in the screen and the sun was really bright that day and the breeze was blew through the open window and a fly got in through the open screen and it was just a typical summer day in the mid-late 90's. But my mom wasn't happy or exuberant or energetic, because she kept running back to her childhood, feeling as though things needed to be handed to her, small and helpless, stuck in a world that demanded more of her than she was prepared to or knew how to give. And thus, she felt twelve years old again, a child in need of a hug, a little help, and someone to guide her back to safety.

DOUBLE EDIT: under construction, fixing chorus and other various details

Why is it so freaking hot in my room??

Gosh it's like an oven but I can't open my window because little tripod thingies will come in and suck my blood through little needles... dang it.

Anyway, I was commanded to make this post by a local woman who wishes to remain anonymous, so here I am.

I have decided, yet again, that I hate my layout and so I am compelled to redesign it. This time, however, I will not simply be doing a little modifying, but rather completely writing a brand new layout. Hopefully the new one will be simpler, more professional looking, but creative and me at the same time. Additionally, I am considering changing the title of my blog because http://www.deafworldmegaphone.blogspot.com is a very long address to type and it's boring and I don't like it anymore. And that is where you people come in. I need ideas, lots of ideas, lists of ideas for blog names, and until I think of a good one no changes will be occurring. So Skippy... er... the anonymous local woman wants me to have you guys pitch in with any and all good blog names you can think of. Oxymorons, bits of wit, and random movie quotes are all permissible, just make it original! Adieu!

Picnic to celebrate the coming of age
a flood flushed, time rushed escapade
Ballpoint on a paper plate
is enough for those who need
to eat their words

It is finished.

Soooooooooooooooooo sore. I can barely move. And I think I shattered my knuckle. In other news, I think my boss wants me. Kinda creepy.

I am like one of those Vietnam vets
hunched over in a chair
A stub of top-of-the line manager material
Waiting for a spare moment
I'll pull you over
ask if you want to hear my story
before you answer, I'll begin
descriptions of the battlefield- humid, sticky, wet
Lakes of grease and unidentifiable substances
Mountains of broken down boxes and empty crates
And the front lines- four small but sufficient forts of colored plastic
divided evenly by our effectively carbonated weapons

Oh, the stories I will tell
years from now, when this is all a figment of the past
Stories of water fights, rotten apple catapults
scrapes, scars, and burns
and the man who made me laugh afterword
And every so often, I'll dive under a table
with a glazed look in my eyes
shouting random flurries of commands:
'First pitch of the 8th and we're down!'
'Don't leave till you clean the back!'
'Oye, What's wrong with the Co2???'
then I'll stare off into space wondering if the pretzels have been made
and whether the pizza is getting here soon
and when the guys in the back are going to
come back from their smoke break
so we can get the damn hot dogs made
And so it goes
the Charge of the Lite Brigade
Years later, the war won't be over
and I still won't be able to
identify my enemy
Cheers to a last-ditch war effort.

Enjoying the Flippy-Outy-ness that is My Daily Thought Process

So what's with the air of irritated silence that has taken over the world? Y'all (what's wrong with that word?) need to snap out of it! Be happy, life is great!

Today is a wonderful, beautiful, amazing day. Praise God. It's like a real summer day. A day that would be great for swimming, playing Magic, and listening to Bryan Reagan shout 'Moosen!' and other such nonsense. It's a great day to listen to music that you haven't heard since seventh grade, take a walk with a friend, tell someone you love them, and drink cherry Kool-Aid. A time to reminisce about past summers, recalling all the things you used to do that simply can't be done anymore.

Ah, nostalgia. Don't you just love it?

A little ditty from work last night:

Your shirt read 'got Jesus?' and I laughed out loud
I didn't realize that your stare meant
you wanted something other than food
Maybe the sounds of
misinterpreted malfunction
and uncorrelated thoughts
drowned out my common sense

Yeah, I don't usually write like that anymore. Enjoy that random spasm of insanity.

Complete and Utter Boredomousity.

I WANT to take the world by storm.
I HAVE more dreams than fear, more hopes than worries.
I WISH I had more time.
I HATE ...do I hate anything? Not really. Maybe egg yolks.
I MISS after-semiformal sleepovers and the random ramblings of Mary Cate Quiett.
I FEAR….let’s see…big ships…being rejected... failure... the Hindenberg...a few more, but that will do for now.
I HEAR the silences between words.
I WONDER if I'll still talk to any of my friends 10 years from now.
I REGRET taking so long to find out I’m fabulous.
I LOVE love.
I ACHE when I see people hurting
I ALWAYS apologize when something goes wrong, even if it's not my fault.
I AM NOT paranoid, even though you all think I am.
I DANCE all the time, when people aren't watching... and sometimes when they are.
I SING incessantly, no matter where or when.
I CRY over silly things, but rarely.
I WRITE with passion, wonder, abandon, and joy.
I LOSE things constantly, only to find them five minutes later.
I CONFUSE people by constantly making unrecognizable freudian slips that sound simply like really really random thoughts.
I NEED to learn the art of patience, the science of change, and the lesson at the end of the book of love.
I SHOULD probably be getting ready for work.
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: lots and lots and lots of things.

[YES OR NO]
You keep a diary: As in a Barbie pink plastic thingy covered in sparkles with a little lock and gel pen? No. I have a journal.
You have a secret journal: My journal is far from a secret.
You set your watch a few minutes ahead: Don't wear a watch.
You bite your fingernails: Nope.
You believe in love: uh ya... love is like the 2nd best thing to believe in! (Catholicism takes the cake.) I mean, after all, God is love!


DO YOU:
Want to get married: Most certainly!
Want to have kids: Definitely, it's kind of inevitable if I get married.
Have any tattoos/where?: Nope
Piercings/where?: Nope!
Get motion sickness: If I read and it's really warm.
Think you're a health freak: Not at all. My aunt says I'm not healthy enough. But that's my aunt.
Get along with your parents: Parents? ya. Grandparents? No way.

[IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU]
HELPED SOMEONE? yes.
BOUGHT SOMETHING? nope
GOTTEN SICK? nope
GONE TO THE MOVIES? nope
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? sure, taco bell
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? no
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? yes!
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? of course
MISSED SOMEONE? sort of, not really
HUGGED SOMEONE? yes
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? nope
KISSED SOMEONE? nope
WENT ON A ROAD TRIP? nope
ATE A BURGER? no, but I ate nachos!

Eager to Please

When the cradle falls
you'll have to take it all in stride
The stars about you lay
you feel too small to have your way
you didn't know cause you never tried
but the light is on the other side

three wishes, three ways
to find yourself in three little days
rip emotions away
they're gone like today

Pretty baby, poor baby
you just rock yourself to sleep
the shapes and shadows on the walls
are all the company you keep
and though you're in too deep
this dream is too sweet to wake from
but bend or break
tomorrow's gotta come

The alibi is gold
you take one look and then you're sold
so eager to please
so much more than you see
you're out of reach and incomplete
waiting for some missing piece

two dollars in change, two broken hearts
all that's left when time and space leave their mark
rip the pages away
there's nothing left to say

Pretty baby, poor baby
you just rock yourself to sleep
the shapes and shadows on the walls
are all the company you keep
and though you're in too deep
this dream is too sweet to wake from
but bend or break
tomorrow's gotta come

one life, one memory
of a sweet but saddened baby
rip the covers away
she's still okay

Pretty baby, poor baby
you just rock yourself to sleep
the shapes and shadows on the walls
are all the company you keep
and though you're in too deep
this dream is too sweet to wake from
but bend or break
tomorrow's gotta come

lullaby, and goodnight...
____________________________

Still not finished, but negative and positive feedback are always appreciated!

Say you need love (tell me, where does it get you?)

It's amazing, how fun people can be if you set your own jealousy and insecurity aside and attempt to see them as Christ sees them.

It's beautiful, how great life can be if you make bad days better by overlooking little details.

It's funny, how absence really does make the heart grow fonder, even if it doesn't seem like it.

It's shocking, how bad it hurts to be burned in the eye.

Had a pretty good day, after a few minor less-than-great details. Tomorrow is going to be hell in a handbasket though, with it being my first day back to work. I have an ortho appt. at 11 and then I go straight to work, and I probably won't get off till midnight or 1, depending on the length of the game. Joy.

I should start my Monday-night mantras early.

No wristband, no beer.
No wristband, no beer.
No wristband, no beer.
No wristband, no beer.
No wristband, no beer.

324 PLU, 312 PLU, 344 PLU
324 PLU, 312 PLU, 344 PLU
324 PLU, 312 PLU, 344 PLU
324 PLU, 312 PLU, 344 PLU
PLU 3124, PLU 3126, PLU 3141

Sorry, no lids or straws in the stadium.
Sorry, no lids or straws in the stadium.
Sorry, no lids or straws in the stadium.
Sorry, no lids or straws in the stadium.
Sorry, no lids or straws in the stadium.

Alright, I think I'm ready. Send some prayers my way!

EDIT: Wow, Satan just loves tempting me tonight. If I'm not jealous of one person, he tries to make me jealous of another! St. Michael, the archangel, defend me in battle!

Ooh I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag...

Well, y'all made some valiant attempts and provided some cool ideas, but I won. Today I've been going absolutely stark raving mad with boredom, so I decided to take action and rip my layout to shreds and start over with something completely different. The result, as you can tell, is somewhat sloppy, but it'll do.

Bonus points and a cookie to anyone who can figure out the meaning of the title!

Blog Blog Bloggity Blog Blog

Hey everyone, I'm redoing the template- again. Yes, I know, I'm restless! But I'm in need of some good themes for my next one, so I'm leaving it up to you guys. Think of a good theme that I can make a header and sidebar graphics out of, and you'll win... something. Haha. Repondez, sil vous plait!

-Moi

Objective Beauty At Its Finest

Have you ever had a day that has completely re-convinced you of your faith, simply by its existence? ... A day that's so full of nostalgic spirit and life that it must be powered by Someone even more beautiful?... A day that, even with its flaws and disappointments, is so close to perfect that you feel like eternity is a moment away?... A day when even the hot sun makes you feel loved?

Today is one of those days.

A Leather-Bound Past and a Silk-Covered Future

I started something new today
a blank white book to fill
I tried to find the perfect words
but wonder still
wonder still

Who will be there to read this
after many years pass by?
There must be someone waiting who
will laugh and cry
laugh and cry

The notebooks run with stories are
not filled with wonderous tales
they simply show my mind and heart
so strong but frail
strong but frail

for I offer not much wisdom
nor the eloquence of sages
yet still I wish that you would dare
to turn the pages
turn the pages

I started something new today
a blank white book to fill
I tried to find the perfect words
and now I know I will...
____________________________________________________________
Dedicated first and foremost to my Lord, for His abundant mercy and overflowing grace.
Dedicated also to my future husband, whomever and wherever he may be.


I can already tell that this is going to be a wonderful week. Tomorrow I'm going to start reading like mad because I'm sick of all the books looming over my head, making my brain ask little questions like 'what comes next?' and driving me to the point of insanity. More time with C.S. Lewis will be good for me! I also plan on finishing all the half-baked songs scribbled on pages in my last notebook, which has obviously come to a close. That was a good notebook: compact, unique. Very me. However, it was also short. Only lasted a month and a half. Oh well, life must go on, and apparently mine moves quickly.

Youth Masses are wonderful, by the way. I love Catholicism. Just thought I'd let y'all know.
God bless and Ciao!

She Recognized the Error and Was Still Able to Win

I have realized through the passing of time and thought that I have simply not done enough for my Lord and my God as of late. My miniscule mission to serve everyone at all times, to become as Christ for others in the smallest of situations, to illuminate the darkness of the modern world with God's love, happiness, and light, this objective has somewhat interrupted my spiritual balance. I find myself far more eager to serve people than to sit down and read Scripture, more willing to lend my time and money to friends than my time and my heart to the Lord in prayer. Foolish as it is to allow human love to compete with that which is Divine, I have stumbled in the path of faith that has been layed before me. I have not fallen, but the direction in which I walk may someday turn into not God's path, but my own. My sweet Jesus, grant me the wisdom to know your will, the courage to speak your Word, and the grace to live them both.

Can you hear the sounds of laughter
From the other side of life?
There are days when I feel like a stranger sometimes.
Tell me, are there any other fools like me?

I surrender all
To the promises You made.
And I will give it all
To the Maker of the day.
This reliance on another world
Has a great affect on this world.
This conscience of another world
Has a great affect on
Grace recollection.

He doesn't love us 'cause of who we are.
He only loves us 'cause of who He is.

-Newsboys, 'I Surrender All'

I can't sleep.

Not Much of Anything.

I am standing at the edge of changing seasons
waiting for a reason
for all this clinging madness that's appeared
I am gazing through the window wondering
what has happened, becuase something's different
now the smoke's cleared

somehow I'm somewhere that's nowhere at all
and all you see is the new day
But all that I truly desire is an answer
to this question colored gray

Is it me?
Has this journey changed me?
It can't be that affecting
Could it be that this window's but a mirror
and all that's seen is your laughter reflecting?
I tap the glass before I flee
Am I already a memory?
you smile and wave but still ignore
and all I wanted was an open door...





What a weird night.

Temporary Insecurity Sparks Realization of Interior Motives

I'm feeling very alone right now. We went out and about today and I bought some really awesome stuff, and then we went to a huge acrobatics show which was amazing. But I suppose I feel alone because my family is kind of bugging me. My aunt and cousin bicker quite often, pretty much every 15 minutes, because my cousin has a really poor attitude most of the time and my aunt is constantly trying to act authoritative. They're also pretty much complete opposites of me. I'm silly and random and will crack up laughing at the slightest amusement, whereas they all have really dry, weird senses of humor. They're also very unsympathetic about anything and everything. They never go with the flow or just let things go, everything is something to complain or whine or debate about. And they are very uncompassionate. Today we were walking on the street to go to Shanghai Center, and this young toddler came up to us begging. Now, I didn't expect him to give the kid money or anything, but when the little boy approached us and started touching my uncle's leg, he practically kicked him a way. A few seconds later he rolled his eyes in disgust, saying, 'too many stupid beggars.' I just can't stand that! How horrible!

I guess the second reason I feel alone is that I feel very inadequate. Today I bought this cute little black and red Chinese halter dress, and I tried it on about 20 minutes ago to see if it fit. And it did, but barely. Now, I know the Chinese are naturally more petite than Americans, but it's shocking to me to almost not fit into something. It looks nice I guess, but I showed my aunt and uncle and after all the initial compliments, my aunt said 'Yes, it looks wonderful. Maybe just lose a little weight from the stomach down and you'll be fine. You know, a few too many cheesburgers, maybe?' And while I laughed it off at the time, it really hurt. I really don't know how I could have let this happen. I've never worried about my weight until this year. Last year: size zero or below, 95 lbs. This year: size 5-7, 115lbs. Alex and Michael, you guys may be joking with the whole Thunder Thighs bit, but I'm glad you brought it to my attention. I never really realized how I looked, but maybe now I can focus more on what I'm eating and lose some weight before I get back. Maybe that'll be my summer goal. No more McDonald's or Taco Bell or KFC, no more eating between meals. I'm not going to let this get any worse.

Anyway, I must go, my bed beckons. Have a wonderful night and comment to say hello if you haven't already!
-me

Cherish the Silence, I'll Be Back Soon!

Okay, so I finally figured out how I can read comments! Yay! Now everyone needs to comment on this post so I don't feel so isolated! Nat, Duttlinger, Monsieur Valencourt, comment, pronto!! :) Just kidding, you don't have to if you don't want to, but it would be nice.

China is amazing, today I'm going to have more clothes made, go see the Shanghai Museum, the Art Gallery, the Amusement Gallery, the Chinese Space Needle (the Pearl Tower), and some other places. I'm going to go on the underground travel-y capsule thingymabob and then buy a million more DVDs since they're only a dollar each and probably some Magic cards. Tomorrow I'll do more stuff like that, and Sunday I'm getting like a complete makeover. I think my aunt is tired of me not wearing makeup and getting all primped every morning, so I'm getting a manicure and facial and full body massage and haircut from this guy named Lou. I don't know, the idea of some strange guy rubbing hot oil all over me is kind of... odd. Don't you think?
Monday my aunt and I are going to Beijing, where I'll see the Great Wall (without the cats!) and the Forbidden City and this neat Garden-y thing and stuff like that. We'll be home Wednesday to pick up the clothes I had made and get all packed. Then I'll leave. I guess when I put it that way it doesn't seem as bad. I'll be home so soon, I need to savor this time. Haha, can you guys tell that the homesickness is completely gone now? Yeah.

So, you guys have obviously missed a lot, but I feel like I'm missing more!

Michael, I miss our awesome conversations and bouts of silliness.
Skippy, I miss your ability to be totally random and talk about the oddest of things, like Operation TT. I also miss your Playstation2.
Alex, I miss your calm but kind doses of reality, and being tickled, and pillow fights. I also miss your voice singing that one song that's never in my key.
Nat, I've known you for a few days, but I feel like we've been friends forever. I miss your awesome music selection, your love of music, and the way you know how to simply have fun. And your hair. Oh, and of course, I miss flirting! hahaha.
Duttlinger, I miss our 2am conversations and talk about life, love, and religion.
Meryl, I know you're at the lake right now, but I miss your shoes. Oh yeah, and they way you bring out my silly, random side and make me feel like it's okay to act like a little kid every so often.
Heather, I miss our 'girl talk,' as cheesy at it sounds.
Sarah, you know what I miss about you, honestly? I miss Show Choir. I know that was a loooong time ago, but I remember when we'd talk nonstop about Adam and life and silly random things and Karen's Nazi choreography, and that was incredibly fun. And I also miss your bright attitude.

I don't remember who else reads this, so je suis desolee if I left anyone out!

Anyway, comment y'all, I'm dying to hear from you. And Nat, is there any way you can make me a copy of that CD with the bazillion and one songs on it? That would be a super welcome back present!!

Love you guys,
Erin

Ni hao! Wo you yi ge wenti Blogger...

Okay so I can post and stuff but I can't read any of the blogs, the pages are unavailable, so comments won't be read until I get back. I think all the homesickness is gone, it was just the initial shock of not being surrounded by friends. Right now I'm just hanging out at home.

Here's some stuff

What Makes You.. by SheBangs12
Your name?
Your gender?	MaleFemaleOther
What makes you sexy?	Everything
What makes you pretty?	Your style
What makes you loveable?	How sensitive you are
What makes you fun?	Everything about you!
What makes you irresistable?	Your voice
What makes you cute?	How you laugh
Quiz created with MemeGen!

A feel good quiz by cerulean_dreams
your name is...
Your eyes	make men shiver
your hair	is envied by many
your smile	radiates beauty
your body	is elegant and stunning
your hugs	are warm and fuzzy
your kiss	is given only to those who deserve it
your love	is never wasted
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	erotic
Your hugs are...	gentle
Your eyes...	twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	amazing
Your smile is...	entrancing
Your love is...	eternal
Quiz created with MemeGen!

These are so ridiculous. I give up on the world, it is turning into a blob of mindless sex-crazed mush.

Anyway, I hope y'all are having fun. Email me. It's the only thing I've got keeping me sane!

Wow.... sad.

T-2.5 hours.
Pink lace!?!? What is wrong with you people?
I'm eating Parmesan goldfish. And drinking water.
My water bottle doesn't have a label on it.
My desk is messy.
My room smells sweet.
I don't know where I put my medication.
Do I have gum?
My thoughts are scattered.
Really scattered.
Like a tornado just ripped through the left half of my cerebral cortex. Joy.
I want sleep.
At least I have chicken.

Le fin.

I am leaving. In 5 and a half hours.
Im scared, but enthralled.
But all is well. All is great.

Got to sing at Adoration today. Voice sounded pretty bad, but oh well.
Got to go to KFC today. Yummy.
Got to say goodbye to everyone. Except Nat and Alex. Bye guys.
Found all my old CDs and mixes. I'm excited.
I miss everyone already.
Dang it.

Hahaha this should be fun. Praise God.
My writing makes no sense today, I understand. My sincerest apologies. Night all. Have a good two weeks! *gulp*

And She Doesn't Even Bother To Think of a Witty Title

I almost started crying yesterday and I'm crying right now.
I hate this, I hate everything about it.
I hate the fact that I'm turning into someone I don't want to be.
I hate the fact that I'm already someone that nobody should want to be around.
I hate how they make me feel like I'm one big lie.
I hate the fact that I can't do anything about it.
I hate the vicious cycle that occurs when I want to talk to someone, but I don't want them to see me cry. As if seeing me upset will reveal just how flawed I really am.
I hate the truth in Skippy's words, the fact that I'm so un-Christlike.
I hate disappointing people.
I hate being disappointed.
I almost hate myself.

I wish I could talk about it, but I know that if I try to explain it, it sounds like a boring sob story.
I wish I could understand what's wrong with me.
I wish they would stop talking to me.
I wish they would stop laughing at me.
I wish they would stop telling me all the reasons that I'm so horrible.
I wish I wasn't so horrible.
I wish I knew how I'm supposed be.
I wish I could be what they want, super organized and quiet and calm.
I wish people would understand.
I wish I had the courage and the eloquence to ask all the questions in my head.
I wish I could write without feeling like a pity case.
I wish I could leave.
I wish I could live somewhere else.
I wish they would stop telling me to live somewhere else.
I wish everything would just go away.
I wish I could jump ahead 3 or 4 years.
I wish I didn't have to leave tomorrow.

And even though I'm terrible and don't deserve God's grace (though none of us really do), I suppose I'll end in a prayer:

When you´re dull from all that glitters,
when your thoughts have a hollow ring,
when you can´t escape from the feeling
are getting it wrong...

All your foolproof plans seem foolish,
all your status is status quo,
all your really need to know
is where you belong.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in his wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow
strangely dim in the light
of his glory and grace.

I was used to the cold for so long
that I couldn´t feel anything.
And I shivered and stared like a beggar
who won´t lift his hands.
I was numb until he touched me.
I was deaf until he heard.
I was senseless ´til I met the one
who understands.

I definitely need Adoration and confession, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be allowed to go. Which means I'm not sure if I'll be able to say goodbye to anyone. Which isn't good. I'm feeling a little less extreme now that I've prayed and listened to music, but I hope and pray that this night gets better. I'd hate to leave on a note like this. In any case, I'm sorry for everything, congrats grads of 2005, and I hope everyone has a blessed day.

1 hour till graduation

Bonjour mes amis, j'ai retourner. I know it's only been a few weeks since my last encounter with the great workings of Blogger templates, but I was totally inspired by a banner I made so I simply had to make a layout around it. I don't particularly enjoy the background color, I'd rather make it black, but oh well.

I definitely enjoy the title of the layout, as is mentioned in the banner at the top of this page. Lately I've been realizing that this is a lesson I need to learn. I spend so much time thinking about the future and worrying about what I'm doing and what people are thinking and how I'm using my time that I never stop to just live. And while this isn't always a negative thing, I'm sure it's not the best. I think the Gospel of Matthew puts it very well: "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil." (Matthew 6:34) That verse epitomizes what I, and perhaps some of those reading this, need to practice.

And so the times will begin to change, summer will come and go, I will say my goodbyes and I begin to let go of all the things I hold dearest to me. It's going to be a challenge, but I'll try to remember these words: Aude Vivere- Dare to Live.

Nostalgia Somewhere

Today has been absolutely beautiful. I woke up kind of late, made eggs for breakfast (I can crack eggs with one hand now! Yay!), took a shower, and layed out in the sun reading and writing for most of the day. It's definitely the most beautiful day so far this year, praise God. Incidentally, I have discovered one of the best jazz songs in the history of jazz songs. Apparently my whole family absolutely adores this song, my grandpa can even play it from memory.

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

Life is beautiful.

The Last Page in the Book

V1: I want to start this letter
by showing you what's real
not the fabricated remnants
of what I'm supposed to feel
and I want these words to paint for you
a picture of today
so you'll still hear the things that I will never say

Br: This is where I let you in
this is how it all begins

Refr:
Dearest world,
here I am
I've been waiting for the sights and sounds to fade
In this world I'm not afraid
of breathing in the sunrise
of blessing in mistake's disguise
of time singing its lullabies
And this is my letter to you

V2: I'm writing you this letter
in the ink of honest thought
on a paper lined with prayers
and lessons learned
and cabs we didn't think we caught
But if the clouds will surrender
to the smile of the sun
then each line is a knot in me
that's slowly come undone

Bridge

Refrain

Oh, everything is so much clearer
written on the pages of your memory
Oh, everything is so much sweeter
pressed between the pages of your heart

Refrain

Summer, Song Lyrics, and You

What a beautiful day... It's amazing! But there are a few drawbacks... *sigh!*

• I am sick, very sick. I'm pretty sure it's just my asthma and allergies, but regardless, I am sick beyond belief. My throat is insanely sore and my voice is going in and out (which everyone apparently thinks is 'cute'), and my head hurts like crazy. It's definitely not too fun. Of course, I am still in school and enjoying every minute of it. Luckily, my energy is normal for the most part.
• I must work today. Now, typically I wouldn't mind, but since I'm sick, it's a dollar Monday, and I'd rather be cuddled up all warm and comfy in a movie theatre watching Star Wars III, it's not too cool.
• It's senior skip day. I hope and pray everyone is having fun, but I'm pretty sure that you're all currently unconscious and will be so for the next few hours. I miss you all! :)
• I can't see Star Wars II tonight, and since Michael's dad's birthday (yay!) is tomorrow and the Riverdance concert is on Wednesday, we probably won't go till Thursday or Friday. But I'm sure you're all aware of this.

Incidentally, I finished the song I was writing, and it sounds a lot less pop-y than I expected, which is very good. Perhaps I'll post the lyrics up here sometime. One problem I find quite often when writing music is the fact that the lyrics to my songs are a bit less profound than my poetry. Hm, it's something to ponder.

On a more positive note, I just met two guys in this class; Sean and Mark. In any case, class is almost over, so I must go.

How It Feels To Be Awake

Well, this has been quite a week, quite a week indeed. The days are passing quickly, that's for sure. Yesterday was the prerelease in Illnois, which turned out to be exactly what I expected. I had a blast, met a ton of people, and learned a lot... definitely a good way to spend my Saturday! And driving there and back was just as fun... especially attempting to buy dinner at a rather interesting Popeye's and then sit through a gridlock in Chicago. I don't know if I've ever laughed that hard in my entire life. Okay, I probably have, but regardless, it was extremely fun.

The city was all lit up on the way back, and it was gorgeous. Absolutely took my breath away. That's one place that I don't mind seeing the clutter of man's industrial insanity. As we went around the metro area, the cityscape reminded me of when I was four and five... Whenever my mom would be driving at night, even if we were only in downtown South Bend or on McKinley, I'd always be dazzled by the bright lights and I'd press my face to the window saying, 'Mom, look! We're in the big city!' So I guess I've loved things like that ever since I was a little girl. Of course, I realized something a few days ago that might explain it.

I don't want to live in South Bend my whole life. Or even in Indiana. I think after I graduate college, get a job, and get married, one of the first things I want to do is move. I don't know how else to explain it, so I'll just copy what I wrote in an AIM convo and in my journal. Hopefully it makes sense.

"I don't want my world to be confined to the space of a hundred miles. I don't want my memories to be confined to thoughts of a hundred people. I don't want my life to be confined to years of repeated moments. Just think about how many people will never have their name in a book, never have their face on television, never be recognized for anything, never do much of anything. They'll drive down the same streets, do the same things, know the same people and never expand to open up to other places and people and experiences. And that's sad. And then in 50 years or so, they're gone without a trace, save for a birth certificate, a gravestone, and some pictures that will get lost or thrown away when the grandchildren pack up to move. And I don't think I really want to be like that. I think I would certainly live here for awhile, but I don't think I could bear to be just another person in the population count."

That's why I'm so enticed by Chicago, because it gives me a sense of success, a sense of value. As if everything in Chicago is bright and bold and beautiful and new and more than any other place could be. It makes me feel alive, to put it quite simply, because all the movement and lights and people are so diverse and yet so complementary. But it is, to a certain extent, a facade, and subconsciouly I think I realize this. I believe that's why I enjoy the tranquility and simplicity of the country as well. That's why I love Ireland and England. And castles. And rain.

Well, enough of my senseless rambling. Just needed to sort out my thoughts. Have a great day everyone!

Just For Fun

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal

So bored. 5-Minute Photoshop Fun.

No room for the whole picture... check it out here.

Sitting Outside, Staring at Stars

I am so completely grounded. Indefinitely. And I'm insanely excited about it. No fighting, no bloodshed, no raising of voices. I simply told them what I did (refused to come home from school and then proceeded to go see a movie and go out to dinner without telling them where I was going) and why I did it (because I knew that my fam was super pissed at me and I'd never be able to go to a movie if I went home so I figured I'd get some good entertainment time in before being grounded) and they were completely laid-back about it. Then I explained that as long as I'm grounded from everything (except for the computer. And the phone. And Mass.), I might as well get some reading done. I then excused myself to our front porch to talk on the phone. Quite humorous, if you ask me.

There is something that I'm looking forward to, but I'm not sure what it is. The conclusion is inevitable, yet the end is debateable. All I know is that the pit into which I peer is ablaze with a radiant light, and while I don't know how far the abyss stretches, or if the bottom is hard as stone, or if the walls are hard to climb, I believe the fall will make it all worthwhile.

And I've Yet To Write About the Clouds...

Well well well.
What is hell?
When I wander, I wish I could tell
but all I can do is wish you well
When all is wept and all is won
What we have will come undone
Well and good
misunderstood
Wonders of
one childhood.
___________________________
Sometimes your gaze is paralyzing
mystifying
tantalizing
and I wonder if you can read straight through
the volumes of love in my eyes
___________________________

We are something different.
Something a little bit odd.
Halway between two polar extremes,
we are the most colorful of grays
We are eternity in a moment,
and all the earth in an inch of space.
we are the tiniest fraction...
we are an infinite sum...
We are nothing, we are everything
and we've only just begun.
___________________________

snowflakes falling past my face
Looking up at youth of the human race
Racing past their faces filled with glee
Picturing the future that they see
The women wish for cozy fires
wrapped up in their warm desires
the thick white blankets from the skies
are numbing in the children's eyes
So all the world will hide away
from winter's chills and disarray

-First half by Skippy. Last half by me. Written online in a space of about two minutes. Impromptu. Sweet.
___________________________
Just a bit of fun. No personal influence whatsoever. Enjoy!

Tickled By A Fearsome Truth

Hahaha, oh, this is funny. Everyone wonders how Erin can have such a horrid self-image hidden behind such a confident personality. And all the minds are left boggled at such a paradoxical problem. And since I've known myself for pretty much my whole life (a few years here and there are debatable, but I deter), I decided I should be the first to understand. And I didn't until today. Oh, what a silly little game it is that we play. How fickle, how finite. How frail I am to let the poison of another's words sedate and captivate me in my own fears. I know that these are not of me, they are of Satan himself, yet why do they sting me so?
Anyway, I got a birthday present today, and I am deeply and madly in love with it. Well, maybe not that far, but I'm very happy. I have successfully transmogrified a lovely travel journal into the single coolest notebook I've ever owned. And I realized that I can write without lined pages. The possibilities are endless.

Anyway, I feel very silly for being upset earlier. Haha have a great night guys, I know this post made mine a whole lot better! Love and prayers!

-Erin

Somehow every point or conclusion I make seems infinitely more profound in my head than when I actually say it. What a pity.

Peaches (and Meat and Potatos?)

Okay well I know I just updated and lalala, but I felt compelled to update again. I know the picture is adorable and everything, but every time I look at my blog I have two faces staring back at me, like the Mona Lisa only creepier and slightly less boring. So here is an update from yours truly, because life is fabulous so I am choosing to write about it. And I do hope you choose to read about it.

You've all heard 'life's a beach, and then you die...,' right? Well, whoever coined that cute little phrase got it all wrong. And 'Life is peachy.'? Yeah, they got that wrong too.

Life is a peach. Life is a peach covered with a bunch of fuzz that isn't exactly appetizing and frankly is a little odd looking. But you bite into it anyway knowing that once you get a little further, pure ecstatic enjoyment awaits. And although you are fully aware that by the end of the peach you'll be picking the good parts from the pit because they're all you've got left, you eat away, knowing that the satisfaction of taste is precious.

So savor your peaches, guys. They're worth more than you think.

All of the fantastically adorable (and some slightly less adorable)

pics from prom and afterprom are up now!

Prom 2005

Click the Pic!

Notorious For the Way She Thinks

Turn the canvas upside down
and paint the sunset on the ground
The planets sleep, and sing, and sigh
and she still builds her castles high
Her daydreams are all strung from clouds
that live, and let her live out loud
And though the stars are worlds away
She finds them in a different way
Make haste, o lucid mind, and speak
thy thoughts so calm, refreshed, unique

Sera Incantata and a Bit of a Casanova

Well it would be strange for me to let prom pass without saying a word about it, so here I am. Personally, it was easily one of the best nights of my life. From start to finish, the whole evening was awe-striking and amazingly beautiful. I wouldn't trade it for the world. The Palais Royal looked gorgeous, and they played my single favorite love song as the last song of the night, which was quite nice. I'm still just thrilled, and I owe everything and more to my wonderful date. Thanks! I hope everyone else had bunches of fun as well.

Today was Faithfest '05, which was pretty great. Aaron, Claire, Alycia, Bridget and I didn't get to Marian until around 9:30, but all worked out. It was a pretty typical youth conference, but I'm absolutely glad I went. There were, of course, a few unpleasant surprises.

There was a really nice guy sitting in front of Skippy and I on the bus on the way home, and he was completely hitting on me. OK, it went a little beyond hitting on me. It was dark, and when I went to rest my head against the seat, I felt this odd something brushing against my hand. I glanced down to see what I was touching, and I definitely realized that the kind was getting a hold of my hand. He held it lightly, and it took me a few seconds to realize what he was doing and quickly pull my hand away. I thought that would be the end of it, but of course, there was more. Apparently this little philanderer wasn't going to quit, because he improved his technique the second time around. I was busy talking to Skippy, when I realized that he had slipped his hand into mine again. And I didn't realize it until I felt him caressing my hand with his own... not cool. So I pulled away, and a few minutes later, he asked Skippy if he would trade seats with him for awhile because he was cold, and luckily Skippy caught my look and politely declined. Thank the Lord. Of course, this didn't stop the mini- Don Juan from nonchanlantly caressing my leg every five minutes. I moved when I could, but goodness, it was creepy. And he said he's going to start coming to Antioch. *Shudders* Anyway, I'm deathly sleepy and I've got skit practice tomorrow... au revoir, tout le monde!

All my love,
Erin

Visionary Vertigo

You'll feel the hardwood floor
beneath the surface of your feet
Boards creaking, a smile will break
every thought held back will wake
and the steady stream of rays
through the windows in the room
will flood you with the feeling
of home. Something new.
You will part the seas of dust
with a single thoughtful step
just as you can part the seas of doubt
with a single hopeful glance
This moment, this chance
it is yours for the taking
this set, this scene
yours for the making
play the game wisely
but don't lose the day
It's all just sunshine
anyway

There is no beer after the 7th. I repeat: NO BEER.

That has certainly become the phrase of the day. O joy, O rapture. (Yes, rapture is good.)

Hmmm... today I'm not in a bad mood ('tis quite rare), but I'm not exactly in a state of bliss, either. I felt bad all day again today, like a constant car-sickness with a bit of dizziness thrown in. Luckily, unlike Saturday and yesterday, I had my usual amount of energy. Thus I had no problem having a great day, and hopefully making other people's days better as well. After school I went straight to work, which was so outrageously crazy that I'm glad to still be alive. 7 innings, almost 2 straight hours, of nonstop lines, 23-year-old drunks asking for 10+ items of beer and food. And while the majority of it all cost only a dollar, the downside was that for every single item ordered, I had to hit four buttons on the register. Needless to say, I became very coordinated over the course of the evening. I stayed until they locked the gates around 9:30, and Dennis, my boss, said I'm the sweetest employee he's ever worked with. Haha, he just likes me because I leave little notes on his desk at night. Oh well, I'm glad he's here.
Have you ever been given a piece of absolutely amazing advice, but known that in your heart, you really don't want to follow it? Like when your mother tells you not to drink, but you disregard her precaution because you want the experience, want the temporary joy. I feel a bit like that. I want to talk things out, but I don't think I should. It's an interestingly perplexing feeling, one of euphoric bitterness.
Nonetheless, I am happily looking forward to sleep, and to the morning. I've been sleeping with my visualizer on iTunes on, and every night I've had amazingly vivid dreams. It's nice. Plus, tomorrow is Mass! Yay!

Please pray for me, as I am always praying for all of you!

"Sweet, there is nothing left to say

But this, that love is never lost,

Keen winter stabs the breasts of May

Whose crimson roses burst his frost,

Ships tempest-tossed

Will find a harbour in some bay,

And so we may.
And there is nothing left to do

But to kiss once again, and part,

Nay, there is nothing we should rue,

I have my beauty, - you your Art,

Nay, do not start,

One world was not enough for two

Like me and you."

--Oscar Wilde--

Well, there's bad news and there's good news...

Les mauvaises:
-I couldn't concentrate at Adoration
-Michael had a bad birthday
-I left Ben's early, making Skippy leave too
-I can't go to skit practice because I have to work
-I have to work

Les bonnes:
-It's gorgeous out
-Prom is this week
-I'm feeling better
-I had waffles for breakfast
-I have to work, but my boss loves me and it's a Sunday
-Today is le Mass de youth

Conclusion: It's a pretty great day!

"Trust in the Lord, with all your heart. Never rely on what you think
you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do,
and He will show you the way."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

A Technicolor Creature in a Black-and-White World

We've all heard the expression- ignorance is bliss. This common phrase is oft used to add a bit of wit or humor to a given conversation, or to point out some obvious lack of awareness. But do you concur with the cliche? Perhaps it does prove true, but doesn't the converse of this statement apply often to daily life as well? Consider, for example, the beauty in knowing. The empowering feeling of speaking the truth, or better, hearing it. The sweetness of seeing the result of an action, or the wonderful feeling derived from a sudden epiphany.

I know ignorance can be bliss. But I also firmly believe in another popular expression: knowledge is power.

If it rains, will you dance with me?

Haha well I know I just updated but this is possibly the oddest and funniest conversation ever.

* Yugi_moto take out his card deck
<DoesNotExist: Yu-Gi-Oh is fricking hilarious.
doesnotexist: the hero's all like "I play my Blue Eyes White Dragon in defense position and attack!" and they all act like it was a stunning strategical move.
doesnotexist: it's an overly dramatic version of a Magic the Gathering tournament, which makes it so hilarious.
yugi_moto: I play black skull DRAGON IN ATTACK MODE NOW BLACK SKULL Dragon ATTACK BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON
yugi_moto: obliterate
doesnotexist: and they EXPLAIN THE RULES BEHIND EVERY SINGLE MOVE. doesnotexist: "My blue eyes white dragon attacks... THE MOON!"
yugi_moto: black skull dragon has 3200 attack points, blue Eyes white dragon has 3000 attack points i have the stronger monster by attack points that means you lose 200 life points
doesnotexist: no, i play Mystical Swirling Hat Shield to counter that, which increases the Blue Eyes White Dragon's attack by 53...
yugi_moto: I play pendulam machine
yugi_moto: no
yugi_moto: Mystical Elf does that
yugi_moto: Mystical Elf
doesnotexist: i play Flaming Sword of Goodness on Blue Eyes White Dragon as my last move, increasing my BEWD's attack by a triumphant 3333 due to the cheescake i'm eating.
yugi_moto: I sumon exiodea
yugi_moto:automatic win
doesnotexist: i play counterspell, discarding it.
yugi_moto: you cant
doesnotexist: Yes i can. o_O
* DoesNotExist holds up his counterspell.
* DoesNotExist taps two islands...
* DoesNotExist plays counterspell on exiodea...
* DoesNotExist discards exiodea.,
doesnotexist: Now then, i play...
* DoesNotExist summons Sephiroth!
doesnotexist: I summon Sephiroth in the Lance Bass position, which causes your black skull dragon to commit suicide from the terrible n*sync music.


Hahaha this is too funny. I love it. Bonsoir, all.

Supposed Confessions of a Second-Rate Sensitive Mind

Everyone who sees this should go read the poetry of Alfred Lord Tennyson. Now. Thank you!

Spring Break is has been great so far, at least I'd say so. I've spent the majority of it reading, writing, and running, so I'm happy. Wednesday served to be extremely amusing, as Skippy, Alex, and I had a movie marathon. Holy Grail, Forgotten, Life of Brian, and Flight of the Phoenix... not too bad of a combination. Well, save for the fact that Alex is insane and enjoys tormenting me about aliens and dead bodies and jumping just to make me scream. :)

Anyway, for some bizarre reason, yesterday was a very bad day. Granted, for me those come around like once every three months, I was rather confused. I went a bit mad and could actually list the things I found wrong with my personality, and even the slightest sarcastic comment left me jealous, hurt, and upset. It was a very peculiar day, especially since I ended up divulging all of this and much more to a friend who, honestly, I don't know very well. But it's me, so I'm not very surprised. And he was, needless to say, extremely helpful in making me see the lunacy of my ways. I do count myself as blessed, however. I know some people who are constantly in a bad mood, thus making themselves no fun to be around. At least for me it only lasts a few hours!

In any case, I don't have to work today (yay!) and I want to do something. Of course, as luck would have it, everyone is out of town, and the people who aren't out of town are busy. Joy. Anyway, have an amazingly great rest-of-break, everyone!

P.S.- I think Michael and the Monk Squad return tonight. Yay.
P.S.S.- I want to learn Magic.
P.S.S.S.- Check out our awesome list of good movie rules at Andy's Blog!

What am I to you?

Never show your poetry to your parents. First, they automatically attempt to guess who it's about. Second, they make silly comments. I read my mom a poem that I wrote Monday night, and she said that I should get a scholarship to college for writing. I think she's loony.

I've felt tres, tres inspired lately. And not just in the literary sense. Simply inspired to live.

Last night I went for a super long run and by the time I returned home, it was twilight. I collapsed on my front lawn and just stared at the sky until the entire canvas was covered with stars. It was amazing. I'm very, very bad at finding constellations, but I managed to locate Ursa Major and Ursa Minor. Yay for me! In any case, I think I stared so long at the night sky that the stars felt a little sorry for me, because I felt little drops of insight fall softly in my head. I wanted to make sure that I remembered the conclusion I had come to, so I wrote it down. It turned out, suprisingly, as a poem.

It looks so flat but feels so deep
and I can't help but wonder
how far it truly goes
I bet there's never been a girl
who's looked at it for what it is
We all gaze out, still thinking that we're gazing up
telling ourselves that the world's still flat,
afraid of letting it turn
But someday, someone's going to see
that each star beckons to us, begs to be understood
and that we are not so different after all
Till then, I'll remain upon this grassy hill
smelling spring
seeing eternity
thinking of you

You know you love a person when a 'goodbye' takes longer than the initial conversation...

My Meryl is leaving me for le break de Spring. I shall miss her.
...
Meryl Maki: Okay. Goodnight Erin. I'll pick you up tomorrow to get into my carry-on.
Celestial Juliet: yay! Luggage!
Meryl Maki: Abbie and Jillian are coming too, so it might be a little squished though
Meryl Maki: haha the word luggage is pretty awesome if you think about it too
Celestial Juliet: I told you. I called the purse!
Celestial Juliet: yep
Celestial Juliet: like lugging.... things you lug... -age.
Meryl Maki: hahahahaha
Meryl Maki: oh okay. purse it is ;-)
...
Celestial Juliet: Have a great night and a fabulous trip! Bring me back something European!
Celestial Juliet: just not a disease... Maybe like an ant or a duck or something.
Meryl Maki: haha I'll try. luff you! *plots how to bring a mad cow back*

I love best friends... They definitely make procrastination a ton of fun!

In other news, pretty much everyone else is leaving me, too. Meryl is off to Euroland, Michael and Aaron are off on Operation Monkiness, and I'm pretty sure Sarah is leavin', too. I think I might make a trip to Chicago, but otherwise, I'm stuck in SB. Oh well, lots of time for reading, running, and going prom-crazy with MC!

What is everyone else doing for spring break?

Something to do, something to love, and something to hope for...

Please hang in there, guys. This is long!

I think my lungs may implode. It's been way too long since I've actually done any running, probably since this past summer. And honestly, I didn't plan to start again until next week. I've been wanting to run for quite a while, I just never got around to it. Too many things to do, places to go, people to see. But of course, those plans changed. So today I was way excited that I didn't have much to do. It took several hours and a bit of friendly motivation, but I finally got running at about quarter till eight. And it was scary! It was completely dark and in order to keep track of miles I have to run down by the creek, and I completely got scared running by the cemetery. Not cool! A car passed me really slowly and I about died of fright, and then a few minutes later it passed me again. And that's when I started getting creeped out.

So, to solve that problem, I started praying Hail Marys. Definitely like the single best thing ever! I immediately felt my breathing fall into its regular pattern, and I was in the most contemplative state ever. I think I got through about two decades before my asthma started bothering me, but praying while you run really helps to deal with the pain. I felt guilty for teasing someone about running earlier, so I thought I'd do penance by running an extra mile for him. And by the end, it was the coolest thing ever, because all I could get out was 'Pray for us, sinners'. How beautiful is that? I think that's going to be my mission from now on, to just offer all my running up for the world, which seems to be in such a pitiful state lately.

Hey, I've got a question for everyone who reads this. Do you think it's possible to date casually for Christ? I know a lot of you aren't Catholic, or religious at all, but I was talking with Michael earlier and it made me think. I've never really even considered 'casually' dating, let alone in a holy way. I think there's a big difference between secular dating and Catholic dating. Secular dating, as I've observed, naturally tends to be more casual and less focused on the prospect of marriage. But isn't that what dating is, in essence? Discovering what you find attractive, and finding what type of person complements you and encourages you in your daily walk... I guess it just doesn't make much sense to me. I'm way too commitment-seeking. Or way too Christ-seeking... whatever! Perhaps it's a dead-end thought process, but it leads me to my next point.

I think I definitely came to understand religious life today before Mass! I was leading a decade of the Rosary, and I just couldn't keep my eyes off of the crucifix at the front of the Church. With each word, I just kept pondering the fact that Mary was such a beautiful example of a holy woman. A faithful wife, a loving mother, and a suffering servant, she truly is so much greater than I could ever even attempt to be. And moreover, she was consecrated completely to God. She gave Him her whole heart. But it made me wonder- how can one give themselves completely to their spouse and completely to God? It doesn't really seem completely possible to me. If I want to truly give my heart to God, truly emanate His holy love, I must consecrate myself to Him, and Him alone. Hence, religious life! Now, this isn't to say that I've decided to follow that path, or even seriously consider it, but it was certainly an enlightening experience!

But of course, as Tyler has so eloquently stated, enlightenment is overrated. Right.

"Would you rather be right, or be happy?" ..."I'm happy when I'm right."

My aunt apparently said that before her wedding. Pretty funny.
Anyway...



HAPPY (Merry?) EASTER!

I must admit, I don't care for cats, but this is probably the cutest thing ever. It would be better if it were a duck, but I suppose it still works. Have a great day, and a nice free-day!

And the moral is: don't talk to muffin trees.

"The riddles of God are more satisfying than the solutions of man." -G.K. Chesterton

Yes, I know. I update way too often. Oh well, at least I don't get bored.

I started thinking about eternity today, while I was meditating. I think I almost became an atheist. Well, not really, but... hmm. Eternity is a very long time. And though I realized that eternity in heaven would be eternal happiness, it seemed like a void of such. It seems, upon pondering the matter, that there should be something after heaven, something to do. Otherwise, what is the point of creation? What is the point of the world? And finally, what is the point of God? Yes, these thoughts may be considered morbid in their entirety, but I happen to think them beautifully mysterious.

I suppose the temporary mindset of heaven being futile is due to my 'anal' attitude. Yes, perhaps I am anal. But this is because I have many things I wish to accomplish, many goals I am striving to reach. Thus, I seek to perfect every detail, so as to come nearer to these goals with every moment. And so, life becomes a game that I am seeking to win. And this isn't necessarily a poor trait. "Do you not know that the runners in the stadium all run in the race, but only one wins the prize? Run so as to win. " (-Psalm 9:24.) I am running so as to win, but often I lose track of the prize. I am always seeking something to look forward to, a particular event or day. And it seems to me that eternity is not the end. There must be something after it! Of course, all faith negates this, but all reason cannot accept its alternative. But reason is insanity, so my circle of thought is broken. It is quite a quandary to ponder!

Another epiphany I had while meditating today:
Love is life. Life is beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Think about it!

Fighting Off the Green Lawn Gnome of Jealousy

Yeah, it's indeed something to work on.
You know what I've realized? In the past 6 weeks or so, I haven't been sad at all. I've made a couple negative posts, but I've never really felt sad, down, or upset. That's really cool! I don't know what exactly has put me in such a bright disposition, but I surely like it!

Hmmm, I was talking to Alex today, and I definitely just started writing in poetry. Perhaps he's just a very inspirational person. 'Tis good, 'tis good.

Half the earth expects a fight
because it's usually what they get
The people look so hard to find
some key to the heart
some window of the soul
some path that leads upstairs
Yet what a pity it will be
when they see the war has ended
before it has begun
For on this battlefield lie secrets unraveled
revealed for those who seek the answers
The keenest eyes never could find me
so take your chances
as the blind men take their glances
They look perchance to glimpse my world
because they know if they try
they are able

A Deft Attack of Tangent-Induced Delirium

Wow, I love that title. You can practically taste the double meaning... Well, it probably only makes sense to Val, Sarah, and me, but it is wonderful nonetheless!

Hokay, well, I shall start at the beginning, before I add the end. Ever-afters are always lived more happily when they come subsequent to the rest of the story. ;)

Last night was the Styx concert, which was probably the best event in my minimal expanse of experiences on this earth, including being born. Perhaps I am simply easily amused, but everything was just so shockingly dreamlike. They played my favorite song (Lady) 3rd, which made me incredibly happy, and Renegade as the encore, as expected. It was just unreal! (Haha especially since I saw my super sweet summer school teacher there!) And afterward, a very kind gentleman bought me a cute blue and brown raglan shirt (which was sized incredibly small, I couldn't help but laugh!), and Alex a hat. Possibly the best birthday present I'll ever receive... I don't think I'd even enjoy a car as much as I enjoyed last night!

Hmm... today was interesting, to say the least. I talked with Pat at lunch, and he almost killed me for not taking him to the concert. But he's looking forward to seeing John Mayer... I think. Everyone at the Antioch table behaved as usual, Claire eating dog food with chocolate milk.

I was really confused by 10th hour. I'm in Grosz's class last, and we usually do a whole lot of nothing. So, as is the norm, we were all over the place. Chris, Lars, Blake, and Gage were sleeping, a few of the girls were trying to get homework done while incessantly talking at an unbearably loud volume about who had hooked up with who over the weekend, and Val, Sarah, Becca, and I were talking. They made that announcement, and since I was seated on the (warm!) vent, I looked aimlessly out the window. Within seconds, I see a fire truck and an ambulance pull up to Marian's front doors. What in the world?? Well, we were all kind of confused, but I saw them bring a stretcher in, so I said to the class that it would be a good idea if we prayed, so I led a Hail Mary. I'm still curious as to what happened, though.

Altogether, I've had an amazing start to this wonderfully holy week! There were a few events that disappointed me a bit, but I won't let them rain on my parade! Oh yes, did I mention that I'm making like a Trappist and giving up talking from Holy Thursday to Easter? It should be interesting!

Well, if you haven't guessed by now, I'm procrastinating. And procrastination is the thief of time!

A different kind of looking glass...

An instant flipped the world
and made it something warm and new
though frightening, it turned the skies from blue
to the orange of you
Now uninspiration is inspiring, too
Everything around is caught
in this labyrinth of thought
and nothing now can be for naught
O, but a dream that life enchants?
O, but a wish that Spirit grants?
How am I to find the way
when you are the night, yet you are the day?

And his eyes are so dreamy!

Hahaha well I loooove my friends! Today was super super super fun!

School was bearable, a welcome change amidst this week that seems to move as slow as honey (though, like honey, slow weeks should be cherished and are often considered sweet!) I had fun in most of my classes, and lunch was awesome. I went to the Chapel half-way through, though, because everyone started talking about Prom. Yes, I am the only person at the table of 20 or so people who isn't a junior or a senior. What a pity.

After school, we went to pray the Rosary at the Women's Care Center, and then went to Cafe Amalia, where everyone proceeded to tease me about mooching, which I do NOT do! I ate some yummy Strawberry Torte Cake, courtesy of Michael (who then complained about me not giving him any), and a bit of whipping cream and a cherry. Yay! I saw Meryl, whom I am madly in love with, and we were hyper, as per usual.

Following that, we all went to pray a Rosary for the upcoming Antioch retreat (April 30th, 31st, May 1st- ask me about it!) and then went to Mass. I started reading this really sweet book called the Five People You Meet in Heaven or something (I almost finished it, but I left it on the window sill in Lou's office. Maybe Sr. Marie can get it for me tomorrow morning.) and it's really cool! Then Aaron, Nate, Michael, Blair, Eric, Tuskey, and I went to Blair Hills to play basketball. Well, rather, they played basketball and I read in Aaron's car. Aaron and I got to talk a bit in the ride over, which I really needed, in light of recent events.

Following the basketball game (which probably gave half the guys pneumonia from playing in t-shirts), we went to Agape, which was awesome. One the way there, I mentioned to Aaron that I was hungry and he said he was going to go home and eat, so he wouldn't be going to Agape. But he went home and made me a PB&J and brought it to me! It was really sweet of him. It was the good peanut butter, too! :)

Well, Agape went normally, and afterward we all decided that school is a vast void in the lives of all humans, so Alycia, Eric and I went to Jag's house to hang out. We were insanely hyper.... haha we watched random T.V. shows and talked about how I was never going to get married. Long story.

Oh man, I love ambushes.

I've Got the World on a String...

Well, it's been a wonderful week thus far, following a very wonderful weekend. But I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now. One aspect of my life is just so heavy on my heart that I fear I may just run away. Heck, tonight, I felt like it. It's so hard to know that there's really nothing I can do. It's even more dificult to realize that I can't even bring the situation to my best friend, but rather, I must give it up to God. Away, Satan! Get thee behind me!

Here where passing moments mark
the battles won and lost
Here where whispering winds announce
a creature tempest-tossed
This is where I find myself
burdened by my fright
This is where the light escapes
in solitary night
Infused with strands of jealousy
and anger's mortal stare
I crash against the waves and beg
begin to cry in prayer
No more will shades of blue
resound within the simple dawn
I fear these silent notes will rise
Yes, they will linger on

"Never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."

Dang it.

I know! Let's play 'toss the H-bomb'!

Hmmm. Well, I've been skimping on words lately, so before I take my leave for the weekend, I suppose I shall leave all of you with a post of actual substance, or the closest thing to substance I can provide. But first, a must-see. http://www.livejournal.com/users/fallenapple13/. Click it~! Probably the simplest and cutest layout I've ever made. And somehow, it totally fits! (Inspired by Mr. Michael Miller, by the way.)

In case anyone is wondering where I will be all weekend, you may find me in a warm(ish) cabin in the middle of the gorgeous Camp Friedenswald. That's in Michigan. (So I take it back, I have been to Michigan. Once.) It's absolutely breathtaking! I'll be up there helping with a uber awesome confirmation retreat, drinking lots of tea and probably scalding my tongue a bit more. There will be skits and music and the Antioch crew... hilarity ensues.

Have you ever had a point in time, a day, a moment, or a year, when self-control is indubitably difficult? Where you want to do something, but you know you shouldn't or can't? Today was one of those days for me. Definitely one of those days. I'm learning how to hold my tongue, however, and how to contain myself. But how constricted a container the human body is! How can people possibly live in introversion? It strikes me as odd, but interesting. Perhaps I'm just an in-your-face person. Oh well...better than invisible!

Well, enough munchies.

My muse has gone into hiding. Perhaps it has quarantined itself for decontamination or something. It couldn't deal with all the cliches. Now, I must drag each word kicking and screaming onto the paper. No longer do the stanzas flow. From my pen I yank the ink to resemble some form of idealistic artistry. Yet no sooner do I lift the tip then unforgotten sighs of beautiful truth begin to ring. And the letters stare back into my empty blue eyes, waiting for the rain to relieve them of their duty. But their day of rescue will not come. I echo their mournful whispers with lamentations of my own. Yet with each page, the words doth scream: 'When will you make an end?'

I fear the end has come and gone.

We'll just glide, starry-eyed...

Well, Blogger definitely decided to go retarded and throw my most recent post into oblivion, so I guess I feel compelled to re-update. I'm afraid it will be a bit scatter-brained, however, as all my current writing skills are being used on my lovely *grimaces* term paper.

First, I think I'm in love with the concept of love. This is probably the most logical statement ever made in the history of mankind, considering my idealistic and hopelessly romantic personality. It would explain why it's so difficult for me to let go of one love for another. Perhaps it is what makes me love in the first place. In any case, I have decided that my future husband is going to be a very spiffy person, so I've got nothing to worry about. Just a thought.

I've gotten really lazy lately. Sure, I go for walks all the time, but I never really run anymore. And that bugs me because it's not really my fault. Every time I want to run, I'm sick or it's freezing out. Oh joy, oh rapture.

I need to start writing poetry again. And I mean really writing poetry. Not the horribly cliche merde I usually create. I mean that hardcore, mind-bending poetry that used to be so characteristically me.

Where has the inspiration gone? Anyone want to give me a push? I'm standing on the brink of an infinite sea, and while I don't seek to cross it, I'm sick of staring at it in silence.

Beauty in the Miniscule

Walks have always been a wonderful thing for me, something I wish I could do a little more often. They have a calming effect, a way of soothing one's heart and mind after a stressful exposure to Marian faculty. Perhaps it's all the fresh air, or maybe the silence intermittently broken by a whispering breeze. Regardless, these escapes always leave me feeling stronger than before. I don't always understand why I take these walks. I often set off wondering why I pull away from my entropic social life for a mere 20 minutes or so in a state of solitary contemplation. But in the end, as I approach my house, I always know exactly why I left. And today, that realization was confirmed.

I've never been one to notice the 'little details,' never been one to stop and absorb something. I'm always rushing from one task to another, from one hobby to another, or from one emotion to another. Time has always escaped me, as I never seem to make the day stretch long enough for my personal needs. 'Always in a hurry, never one to worry' was my personal philosophy. But today, I learned just how sweet the roses smell when you take the time to notice.

This afternoon's walk was not one of particular beauty; the sky was muddled by the greyish cumulus lumps, the sun had all but disappeared, and the air was chilly and prickling. It was one of those days that make you reminisce of the warmth of a summer morn, wishing the months would pass more quickly. Soggy remnants of a winter passed remained inanimately dozing along the road, creating puddles and mud at every corner. Actually, now that I think about it, it was a fairly depressing atmosphere. Yet it was of no importance where this afternoon's events are concerned.

I remember strolling carelessly along, my eyes focused on some intangible point in the distance. I was unaware of the objects I was passing, though I was quite cognizant of where I was. It was as though I were reading a book I had already memorized; Each line I could recall, but somehow, the flavor that had originally accompanied each word had vanished into the chasm of my memory. The leaves and squirrels and mailboxes and puddles; they were of no consequence to me. I strolled with no real destination, no real point which I was hoping to reach. It was merely the state of being that I enjoyed, rather than what I was surrounded by in such a state.

And vaguely, I recall recognizing the mural painted in my mind, the scene that my eyes were presently taking in. And momentarily, I stopped, bewildered. In my mind's eye, it was a two dimensional, flat canvas, covered in colors and shapes of all sorts. The trees and houses and animals and flowers, they were no longer movable objects, but rather freeze-frame shapes within one immense work of art. And as I stood, dazed within my own conscious thought, I began to take notice. I noticed the trees, and the way they dance amongst themselves, twirling and tossing in a bed of air. I noticed the grass, and how it's waves and ripples resemble those amdist an ocean. I wondered whether men who live at sea ever miss the grass., or miss the trees. I could imagine a sailor beckoning in his sleep for one more dance from his favorite oak.

All this and more began rushing through my head, and each piece of the mural seemed to jump alive before my eyes. Each rock, each cloud, each bird sitting idly on a branch; it all became a vibrant dance of glory and life. How could I have missed these things before? How could I have been so blind? I was astonished at how much different the world seemed, how much my perspective had changed in that instant. It was as if I had lived in a black and white world all my lfie, and was now being introduced to technicolor.

And so I continued walking, this time taking twice as long as usual. My focus had left its usual point on the horizon, rather, I was now busy absorbing the world with wide eyes. I began to ponder to myself all the things I've been missing in this mural of the world. Why, no wonder I always felt so rushed for time, no wonder I was always in a hurry! When looking so intently at the big picture, time seems like such a limited thing, such a constricting frame. Yet now I realized that life is made of moments, moments that we can create or deter. Moments that we should cherish, and never hesitate to savor.

Here's to the crazy ones...

"Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits,

the rebels, the trouble makers.

The round pegs in the square

holes, the ones who see things

differently. They're not fond of

rules, and they have no respect

for the status quo. You can quote

them, disagree with them, glorify

or vilify them. About the only thing

you can't do is ignore them, because

they change things, they push the

human race forward, and while some

may see them as the crazy ones, we

see genius. Because the people who are

crazy enough to think they can change

the world, are the ones who do..."

A Makeshift Utopia

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

-William Butler Yeats-

I am curious as to what my friends are doingfor Lent. Personally, there is a list.

• Keep my grades at A's, and be a bit more efficient in doing homework
• Fasting
• Get back into the habit of reading. Finish Confessions, Orthodoxy, Nicomachean Ethics, and the Case for a Creator, and finally, begin on Mere Christianity.
• Become a more realistic person, rather than let my ideals and emotions affect my decisions.
• To be more loving. Period.

I'm feeling fun. I want spring. I want a picnic.

-Tink

Ishtar. Yes, I also posted this on LJ.

Well guys, I finally caved and got a Xanga.
You know what I hate? Boring filler posts. So I might as well say something of actual substance.

I think my family has an obsession with crappy movies. Currently, we're watching Ishtar, which I've officially dubbed the Crappiest Movie Ever Made. It's about two guys with absolutely no musical talent who try to make it big and end up in Ishtar, India... Pakistan... Africa... Morocco... yeah Morocco. So these guys are in Morocco, singing crappy songs, being led around by a blind camel. Wonderful, eh?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

Hey, look! What's that? Oh, nevermind, it's just Erin's blog, starving from inactivity. Nothing to get too concerned about.

Well today on the menu, it's Chef's Surprise. That's right... I write, you read. Whatever.

appetizer: ....well, the 2 Timothy 1 conference was a total success. Joel and his wife made a great ministry team, the music was great (oh, and Aaron finally played on a set!), and the food was scrumptious. Joel and his wife (for the life of me, I can't remember her name. Grrrr.) told the story of how he proposed, and it was sooooooo sweet! It was so romantic and I really hope my future husband (?) is sensitive like that. *sighs dreamily*

1st course: ...finals tomorrow. yay! My first two exams are Chem with Hernandez (piece of pie) and Honors English with Switzer (easy as cake). I'm not too worried. Only positive aspects about finals:

• They mark the end of the first long, perilous road to summer vacation.
• They can totally make (or break, of course) your final grade. Unless you're me, and you're a hopeless case.
• The odd schedule makes for an idealistic end to the monotony of Marian High School.
• Half days, awesome lunches, good times with the Antioch folk.
• And... um... yeah. That's about it.
• Oh yeah, time to read!!!

Considering the aforementioned qualities, I'm actually quite excited for them to begin.

Main course: ....Semiformal! I can't believe it's this weekend! Wow! Oh yeah, since the friend who I asked decided to be silly, I'm definitely going stag! Yay! I think that was actually my intention from the start, so it all works out! Speece and I are probably going to be the only ladies without guys, but oh well... all the better, really. Too bad Sir Hottness decided he was too good for semiformal, it would have been fun! Oh well, The first step to getting the things you want out of life is deciding what you want. If that's what he wants, more power to him!

I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to wear my hair... but other than that, I can't wait! I loooooove my dress, it's very... hmmm... elegant? But forget about me, I'm anxious to see what everyone else wears! Speaking of which, I have no clue where we're going for dinner that night. *rolls eyes* No one ever knows what's going on in this group... I love it!

Dessert: ....the March for Life is coming up! I won't be in Indiana from January 21st-25th, so IM and leave me a message so I can smile when I return :) ...I love road trips SO MUCH! This is going to be the best road trip ever, especially since it's with all my best friends... I must admit though, the longest I've ever been away from home is the 3 days for the Mighty Good Leader retreat... 5 days in D.C. will be awesome!

ok, I'm sure you're all stuffed. That was quite a large meal, if I may say so myself. Let's see how long Deaf World Megaphone can go without starving now!

A Beautiful Mind, a beautiful world.

I just saw A Beautiful Mind for the first time ever tonight. I cried like a little girl! I loved it more than anything, and it's now my all-time favorite drama, all-time favorite romance, and all-time favorite non-fiction movie. I'm not sure if it's because of the beauty of the love between John and Alycia, and how even the quirkiest among us find the sun, moon, and stars in a single person... or if it's the actual premise of the movie, or the logical quality in the plot. It amazed me, though, just how real everything seemed. I've never understood like that before. And now, I hope and pray that the Lord might grant peace to all those in positions of such pain and absolute terror. There are things I wish I could say here, but I know I shouldn't, since I have no clue who all reads this. Just know that I'm completely torn apart by this movie, and from now on, I'll be offering all suffering I endure for every soul burdened by such a horrid affliction. I wish I could do something to take this all away. True, some things are all in the head. Unfortunately, the reality of schizophrenia in the world is not one of them.

All my love,
Erin

The Brilliant Walk

We walk through a garden, just you and I
and I see the roses, while you see the sky
My eyes are set forward, I tell of the way
While yours watch the heavens, and speak of the day
A heart is a flower, a soul is a star
Together, we wander, we travel afar
The sunlit horizon, it dazzles as fire
And each blossom dances, and serves to inspire
We walk through a garden, just you and I
and I see the roses, while you see the sky

Intents of a Purer Kind

I watched Notting Hill at a friend's house today. Twice. It's the sweetest, most fairy-tale like movie in the history of the world. I love it. It really makes me want a romance like that, though, sending me into a whirlwind of unrealistic daydreams and touched hopes. Yet is that not how I am intended to react? The perfect match, the perfect night, the perfect kiss, the perfect marriage... that's how it's supposed to go. That's what I'm supposed to want. Or perhaps it's not so much that I want it, but it's that I want it now. My impatience is something God has obviously been trying to work through, yet, of course, so has the devil. Well, you know what they say about being born on Mother's day...


I Many Times Thought
by Emily Dickinson

I many times thought peace had come
When peace was far away,
As wrecked men deem they sight the land
When far at sea they stay.
And struggle slacker, but to prove,
As hopelessly as I,
That many the fictitious shores
Before the harbor lie.

Ayúdeme. M'aide. Aiuta. Helfen Sie mir.

Lord Jesus, I cannot live like this. I cannot live at all.
My Savior, hear this requiem, and do not let me fall.
The air I take has run so thin, I falter with each breath
It's times like these I wish for life, yet stumble toward my death.

Sweet, sweet grace
sweet, sweet sorrow
sweet, sweet face
of a long forgotten hope

A Christmas Casualty

The manager spotted a stranger
walking the aisles with care
he saw a look upon his face;
an expression of despair

Somehow the man seemed dismal
in the midst of holiday joy
How could this shopper be so glum
when surrounded by many a toy?

The clerk then watched in wonder
as the man walked through the store
What was this shopper doing?
What could he be looking for?

Then the man stopped in his tracks
before the small nativity
and a teardrop fell upon his cheek
with an air of dignity

A look of desolation
had washed o'er his face
as he watched each shopper grab for more
and to the register race

And then a sudden sale
was announced throughout the store
People rumbled carelessly,
and the air began to roar

The store clerk looked into the crowd
to find the stranger's eyes
yet the only thing that he could see
were ribbons, bows, and ties

Who was this man, whose body was found
upon the floor that night?
And why had he come, if not to buy?
What goal had he in sight?

No family came to mourn his death
no friends or loved ones cried
He seemed to be abandoned
unloved and cast aside

The examiner determined
he'd been trampled in the craze
His flesh was torn and battered
by the shoppers' frantic ways

The store clerk stood in mystery
next to the Christmas crib
He could not find a reason for the knife wound
upon the stranger's ribs

Suddenly, the employee knew
and no longer could resist
the love of the man dead at his feet
with wounds upon each wrist.

The joy of Rice and Retro-speak

xenador1004: if I introduced myself as harold with a can I think I would get stranger looks than if I did it as harold with a cane.

Wow, the forgotten joys of chatting on AIM. We really must do that again sometime. Today was superb. Words cannot describe the euphoric bliss that has fallen upon my soul. But this comes close:

LemurKing416: rice tastes like drops of heaven sent from above
caringly put together with warmth and love
oh how I love thee, rice so sweet
now i think it is time for me to eat!
LemurKing416: oh i should be a rapper


Wow, thanks Sir Hottness! You made my night!

Foreshadowed Truth

Born beneath the light of a star
the shadow of a cross
This new beginning begins an end
illuminates a loss
Enraptured from the heavens
a newfound mother's eyes are filled
Her teardrops bear eternity, and prophet's words fulfilled
A virgin heart of crystalline gold
bore a love for the world to behold
Yet on that eve of brilliant light
She saw both day and night

Freewrite. Ish.

He sank sullenly back into his desk, contently vexed by an oft misapplied fallacy.
Is this what was to be of every moment, every day?
Sitting in a block of nothing, perturbed by the painful utterances of a forgotten future?
His eyes and reason were fixed upon the door, yet his heart nailed him to his seat.
He watched the clock before him tick with undulating grievances; grievances matching his own.
And before he could count another minute of opportunity, the wind snatched up what freedom he was offered.
This sentimental struggle is civil war at its finest.

A dream within a nightmare

Beware the Ides of December!

Yes, O people of much time and boredom, it is the Ides of December.
And you know what else? Caesar was a nut.

I think snow is amazing. It makes me want to go for a walk.

Mondays are now offically French Dance Party days... with Madameoiselle Boocher.

Nikki and I are pre-ordering the trampolines for our cell walls... *whistles (without a retainer)* We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!

More thoughts tomorrow, when I'll actually have time.

In Christ,
me

The time between moments

Well, trying to remember everything that's happened between then and now is a fruitless effort. Yet alas, I shall attempt anyway. I'm kind of tired, so I'll probably start now and finish in the morning.

Friday, I went to lunch with a million and one people, to some ghetto mexican restaurant in... um... the ghetto. Somewhere. For Ensing's birthday. Their fries were delicious, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, though within the first 15 minutes of my arrival I had already spilled my water and some salsa. What a mess. I was glad to see everyone from the retreat (and some others) all in one place again.

Following that, we hightailed it over to Blair's house, where we proceeded to play Halo2 for a cummulative of about 8 hours. LadyGuinevere will regin supreme as soon as she gets her Xbox/halo2 for Christmas, so she can brush up on her complete-and-total-annihilation skills. Hehe.

Oh man though, one thing that really bugged me was all the girls in the basement. A couple of them acted like they loved the game and wanted to play, and then complained that they didn't know how to use anything and/or that they didn't get it and/or that they were being killed. Oy. It really was irritating because several of them were girls I've just talked with about it recently, who have said things to the extent of, 'oh, you're really lucky. You get to play with all the guys, and they totally love you. I wish I could do that.' (My response? I was raised that way. And they don't love me.) Ugh. I wanted to say, 'okay, If you know what you're doing and want to play the game, fine. But if you're only there to flirt with guys or complain about something, go back upstairs!' Of course, my semi-intelligent side won the rest of me, and I remained silently annoyed until they all finally decided to leave. Amen.

Hmmm... today was interesting. I woke up uber late, like 10:30, and went to Ben's and then mass. Then we all went to a 'random house' (aka Ben's aunt's house) to ask for dinner, where we were received surprisingly amicably. Following this, we made our way over to adoration (we were almost late, needless to say I was going nuts.) which, as expected, was amazing. I've really been struggling with matters of the heart lately, and so as a precursor to the Christmas season, I've given everything to Jesus. I'm very glad, because I know sometimes I have the strangest emotions towards the most random people. Sounds odd, I know. It is indeed.

After adoration, I got to talk to Mike (who's seemed to be irritated with me lately, but perhaps he's just not been in the best of spirits) and meryl (whose hat I still have in my clutches. Muaha.), so I'm definitely happy about that. And we went to see one of the single most hysterical movies in the history of the cinematic world: Napoleon Dynamite. Oh yes, I caught you a delicious bass. And, if anyone would like to marry me, I totally want a wild honeymoon stallion. I'll probably be getting that on DVD for Christmas, so if anyone wants to borrow it/come over and watch it, you're welcome to! Finally, Aaron decided everyone who hadn't seen the Gingerbread house was in great peril, so we went over to check it out for like the 4 bazillionth time. It was around 12 or 12:15, and we were so totally blessed that the lights were still on!

And in denouement (I'm sure), I heard the Little Drummer Boy being slapped on the radio... again. That just made my day.

A post made out of selfishness...

Wow, I'm posting a lot since I dumped my LJ.

Well, lately I've been excessively upbeat. I mean, little details such as shoes with bows or giant cupcakes have always naturally made me happy, but lately I believe it's gotten a little out of hand. By the end of 10th hour today, I was even annoyed with myself. I realized through a little bit of prayer exactly what was wrong: I've been so happy lately, it was to the point that I believe my personality itself has been perturbing. Now, reading this, you may disagree, but I must say that unless you have met me, leave it up to your imagination, for it will probably do me justice. I noticed that I hadn't talked to a couple people in a day or two (or a week in one case), yet when I finally did talk to those people, I walked away knowing no more about them or about myself than I did to begin with, because I hadn't taken the time to listen. I've been so incredibly captivated in my own euphoric joviality, that I've neglected to realize that this world isn't about me. What kind of servant am I, if I can't even see someone in the halls without talking about myself? Surely none at all. And I suppose this entire post is a complete fallacy, and hypocrisy at it's finest at that. But I don't exactly know how I should handle it. After all, it doesn't seem to be a constant thing, just every once in a while. Well, I suppose I'll just hope for an end. I'm going to Agape, I'll finish my post then.

Several hours later...

Well, that feeling certainly didn't last long. Satan is attacking me, my soul, and everything that I felt as a result of the retreat. I feel myself falling back towards the crutch of paranoia, and it's hard to talk to anyone without wondering what they're thinking. After all, a friend told me that they didn't want to say anything for fear that they'd 'offend' me, and that's a scary thought! To know that someone can't be completely honest with me in regards to my own behavior, makes me wonder just what people think of me, but don't say! And it seems like they weren't the only one. One of my other friends seemed to have noticed it as well. I beg ye, all who read this... if people noticed something, why would they not voice it? How am I to grow if I know not how I have been stunted?

One final note, to those who go to school with me, am I overassertive? Please, IM me or talk to me or leave a comment, I'd appreciate your input!

Well, in any case, this post, along with getting into it with my former best friend about my faith, has really helped. God is here, and there is no way to get around it. Amen! And finally, my life lyrics:

Breath of heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of heaven
Breath of heaven, light up my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy, breath of heaven

What Child is this, who laid to rest, in Mary's lap is sleeping?

The one thing that has always made me wander along these lines of thought is the perplexity of our satisfaction. With each passing year, we receive gifts, unwrap the bundles of joy in a chaotic storm of shrieking and colored paper, and what is our result? Several more frivolous items to add to our list of mortal extremities. And how long are we satisfied with these? Until we're done ripping the paper to shreds? Until we get bored? Until the object breaks and is no longer deemed 'useful'? How ridiculous of a concept! Why would someone who supposedly loves me give me such a fallible symbol of their feelings for me? Because that is what the feelings are, fallible. But look at the Love God has for His children. His Love surpasses that of any other father or mother on this earth! He wants the best of the best for us, and thus gives us the very Gift of Himself at Christmas! This is the present that knows no error.

• We are busy and bustling in this rushed world:
  there is no chaotic paper to rip in a hurried frenzy, only the calmness of knowing Christ is present.